More important things to do

I downloaded a beautiful song named “Lullaby” the other day – and was so moved by it. One verse in particular had an impact on me…

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

This past Sunday afternoon among the hustle and bustle of our house, I took time out of the afternoon to slip into our dark, quiet, cool bedroom and lay next to Asher while he slept. There was so much to do…more laundry, more cleaning…more unimportant things. But at that moment, I chose to stay next to my angel and watch him sleep.

He is everything I’ve always dreamed of and never even knew I was missing. He is perfect in every way. His face so delicate, the way he holds onto my hand as he begins to close his eyes, the peaceful sound of his breath and he drifts to sleep knowing that I’m lying next to him. In that instant, that was the one and only thing I needed to do.

In that moment, I realized that I have missed so many of these moments. In four short months, he has grown and changed – and it feels like a blur. Maybe because I used to try so hard to get him to sleep, so I could lay him down and get more things done. Or sit him in his bouncy chair while he talked and smiled, while I felt the need to tend to dishes or check my email.

I began to cry. How could I have not realized the important moments I was missing to do such unimportant things? How could I choose to continue to bustle around, when I could be sitting there soaking up every second with him? I suddenly began to appreciate how fleeting these moments are, and how he’ll be all grown up before I know it.

I realize that not every day will allow me to sit and enjoy every single minute with Asher, but I want to hold that moment I shared with him this weekend, forever. Choosing to lay next to him, sharing a peaceful moment among a chaotic house full of other things that I thought were so important... it was the best thing I accomplished all weekend.

It made me appreciate what the true “needs” are of every day…to simply soak up every incredible smile, laugh and breath that he takes.

An 8-pound blessing

God’s power and blessings in my life continue to amaze me. On January 27, 2010, my miracle baby boy was born. Asher Robert was born weighing 8 pounds and 20 1/4 inches long. He is perfect in every way. We named him Asher because he was the eighth son of Jacob, and was promised a life blessed with abundance. We named him Robert after my dad, who is the best father anyone could ask for.

My life changed that day in ways I could never have comprehended. Yes it was challenging at first, and I didn’t know what I was doing. But thankfully some motherly instincts kicked in, and before I knew it, this beautiful boy had me wrapped around his tiny little finger. He is now three months old and changing every single day.

I thought I couldn’t do it, be responsible for another person, I thought I was too selfish… but I am doing it every day. I thought I’d miss my alone time, my freedom, or my eight hours of sleep, but I don’t. In fact, I want to spend nearly every moment of every day with him.

I hate to admit, I used to not understand why people talked about their kids all the time. I used to get annoyed at hearing how “life changing” having children was, especially when we were trying without success. It’s NOT like having nieces or nephews…or even step children. But....NOW I GET IT. It is a living, breathing part of your heart and soul. And I have found myself becoming one of those mothers who can’t help but brag about what adorable thing her kid did that day!

It is amazing how I am already a happier, more contended person with Asher in my life. He has given me a new purpose, and a much better understanding about what life is truly about. Now instead of worrying about how I want a new job or when I can buy a nicer car …I set out every day to make his days happy ones. I don’t see myself or Eric when I look into his eyes; he is his own little person. And yet, he is a miraculous combination of the love Eric and I have for each other. I stare at him with tears in my eyes every day, in awe at what an amazing creation he is, and humbled by the uninhibited happiness he brings into our lives.

It's true....most days I’m exhausted. I feel about 100 times busier than before he came, and I’ve gotten sick twice in the 3 short months he’s been around (probably from lack of sleep). And to be honest, there are times that I feel burned out. But I truly can’t imagine my life without him. It is a love that was unfathomable to me, until now. I cannot wait to see an amazing little boy he develops into… I look forward to every day.

He is and always will be, the most important thing in my life, and I already know that I’ll do anything for him. Thank God for this miracle, and choosing me to be blessed by it.

A Year Full of Change

It is hard to believe that this year is almost over, and so is my pregnancy (ALMOST over that is).

This year has been filled with so many life changes, it’s hard to keep track! We tried to sell our house, then gave up on selling, then managed to sell it. We moved and lived in an apartment for 2 months, then moved again into our new house. We were blessed by this pregnancy, and are now waiting patiently to greet our new family member!

Now that I’m staring down the barrel of one month of pregnancy left, I’m getting so anxious! Obviously by my last post, I’m feeling nervous, apprehensive and a little overwhelmed. But I’m also so anxious to experience being a mom and watching our family grow and evolve! I am definitely going to miss some things about this pregnancy, but am looking forward to some things being over!

Things I’ll miss:
1) The wonderful love and attention you get from friends/family on a daily basis; everyone is always interested in how you are doing.
2) The exciting stages of this “first” pregnancy where each week you get to look forward to something new and exciting happening with your little one.
3) The super-cute clothes, toys and other baby items you can justify collecting for 10 months, to ensure that this little one will be ‘taken care of’ (aka – spoiled).
4)The comforting movements I feel when this little guy makes his presence known, or reacts to his mommy or daddy’s voice.

Things I won’t:
1)The full force of gravity when I stand up after sitting or laying for a long time, when I realize I’m toting around a basketball-sized belly worth an extra 25 pounds.
2) The inability to de-stress, celebrate or just enjoy a delicious alcoholic beverage or a soak in the hot tub!
3) The plethora of random physical changes (complaints) that I add to each month.
4) Feeling constantly moody, impatient and annoyed by every person place and thing around me…I’ll blame that one on the hormones.

But for all my bitching and moaning this year about these changes, everything has truly been a true blessing. I look forward to seeing what 2010 has in store for me; I hope it’s nothing but more wonderful experiences.

Here’s to a great New Year! (Too bad I’ll likely be sleeping by 10:30 tonight; I trust 2010 will show up anyway!)

A dash of ignorance and fear

I have to say that I’ve learned more about pregnancy and labor in the past month than I have in my entire life combined. Granted, most of the facts and stories I’ve heard have made my face go white as a sheet, but I am trying to absorb as much as I can, knowing that I’ll need every tidbit once this little guy is here. But all of the information has really frightened me into realizing that I have 2 months left of “life as I know it” and I’m going to be a MOM. That is surreal. I’m not sure I’m ready!?

I cannot wrap my mind around caring and providing for a baby of my own. I get there is a baby inside me. He makes it known to me throughout the day and I absolutely love that. What a great feeling to know you are caring and nurturing for a little one who’s not even here yet. Some of it is selfish – I love feeling and knowing that he’s “always with me” and I can talk to him. But the reality is scary – there is a little baby in there who’s going to rely on me for everything, for the rest of his life.

Even scarier is realizing in our prenatal classes that he will need to escape my body at some point (which won't be pleasant....according to the videos and stories I’ve seen and heard.) And that we are going to be taking him home - to care for him, provide for him, and meet his every need. That is so unreal to me, I just can’t wrap my head around it – no matter how many times I step into the nursery, it still feels like it is happening to someone else. Maybe it’s because I’ve dreamed of this for several years…..and feel so blessed that God has finally blessed us with it.

But right about now is where I really hope some Motherly Instincts kick in (I know I don’t have them yet). I have this overwhelming feeling of absolute ignorance. It is more than unnerving to realize that no matter how many books I read or classes I take, I won't really know what to do until I'm in that moment, upon which I’ll need to know what to do right then and there!I'm a planner by nature. I prepare for everything…I make lists, read everything I can get my hands on about a subject, ask friends, etc. I hate not knowing what I’m getting myself into – whether it’s a 2-hour road trip, or a huge remodeling project. I don't know how people go through life just “flying by the seat of their pants."

I have bought books, collected magazines, subscribed to websites, etc., but I know I’m still in for a shock. Perhaps, this is why the thought of packing my hospital bag sends me into a cold sweat. Am I ready for this challenge? Am I ready to give up my 8-hours of sleep a night? Am I ready to have my marriage and entire reality altered forever? My whole way of thinking and doing things is about to change.
After all that, I have to just chalk this up to good old fashioned cold feet. Thankfully, I have complete faith in God that He will give me strength to accomplish everything. And I know with every fiber of my being that this little man with the chubby cheeks that I got to see on ultrasound last week, will become the center of my existence, and the love of my life. I can’t wait.