As I enter my third trimester of this pregnancy, I am finding myself overwhelmed with emotion (AKA....hormones). I have mastered the art of crying for no reason at all. I am irritable, short-fused and bitchy on most days. Thankfully, I at least get one gold star for being able to admit to all of these, as opposed to living in a constant state of denial. However, I've begun keeping a mental list of things that continue to drive me absolutely crazy.
For any of you living with or close to someone who is pregnant, I thought I would share (for your own safety). Here are my top five pregnancy pet peeves - at least for this week:
1) Do not 'tailgate' me. I'm not talking about in your car, but walking. Although my full-fledged pregnancy waddle may not have set in enough yet for you to tell from behind me that I am pregnant, it is still rude to walk behind someone so closely that you have to watch the ground so you don't trip on their ankles (or "cankles"). As on the highway, if you are in that big of a hurry, then go around, I do not plan on giving you a piggy-back ride. Us pregnant gals don't just have the pleasure of carrying extra weight directly on our pubic bone - we also don't see a need to send ourselves into a self-induced asthma attack by trying to get to where we are going a few seconds quicker for your sake. Basically, my coordination (or lack thereof) and desire to tread carefully prevents me from walking at the break-neck speed you apparently crave on foot.....so BACK OFF!
2) Do not....under any circumstances....touch my belly. Just because this basketball-sized protrusion may not seem close enough to me to actually be attached to my body....IT IS. Making the declaration in advance that you "have been there" does not give you the right to touch it. Follow these simple guidelines: If you are a stranger, just pretend you don't see it...you will never have the right or permssion to touch any part of my body, least of all my belly. If you are a family member or friend and you can't help but be fascinated to the point of wanting to touch it, pay me the courtesy to ask me first before I tell you no. The fact remains that this is now the most coveted part of my body and I will invite you to feel it if you are worthy.
3) This one may seem random, but please refrain from using your cell phone in public. This includes enclosed spaces such as public bathrooms, elevators, check-out lines, waiting rooms, etc. Although this may not seem to fit in a list of pregnancy pet peeves, these are situations in which us hormone-laden, unpredictable pregnant ladies may be most likely to errupt from such moronic and self-centered behavior. Please do not expose us to your egocentric conversations about all those worthless things that were apparently too pressing to wait until you were in private - like what to have for dinner. Perhaps this one is common courtesy for all, but with pregnancy hormones raging, I find these people overtly annoying and inconsiderate...and often daydream about throwing their most beloved phone or blackberry under my tire.
4) Please do not make reference to my weight or clothing unless it is blatantly positive in every sense of the word. This would prohibit comments such as "boy, maternity clothes have sure changed a lot," "you sure there's just one in there?" or the ever popular "you must be about ready to pop!" Although your intentions may be good, and I recognize that you apparently have no clue how to make appropriate conversation with such a wierdly-shaped indivdual (especially while staring at my belly), it will not excuse any iditiotic statement you decide to let slip. If you aren't purposely trying to pay me a complement, it is probably best for your sake if you just walk away.
5) Do us "pregnancy virgins" a favor and supress your desire to tell your most horrific pregnancy/labor story. Before you get your non-pregnancy undies in a bundle, let me say that I do understand the ability you have to relate to my situation (if you have had a child). However, sharing by reflecting on your internal vault of the most vivid and traumatic memories you have from that time is probably not the best way to make conversation. The fact is that I am already all-too-aware that this beautifully-huge miracle of life will have to find a way out of me somehow, and I don't need you painting me a picture. If you are still confused by this one, let me help by suggesting some words to refrain from using: miserable, excruciating, 36 hours, big-as-a-house, episiotomy and natural.
