The Year of Happiness

I opened two fortune cookies last night after a run for HyVee Chinese food. The first said: "You will have a happy and peaceful life." Kinda generic, but still a keeper. The second one said, "This year will bring you happiness." I was thrilled to see those words. As cheesy as it is, I am keeping that one. Goodess ...I want so badly for this year to bring happiness!

Granted - 2008 was a good year. But as many of you know, I have had a few struggles with my health this year, including a miscarriage in November. I didn't blog about it because I felt it was something that should be private. But the truth is, it is a very painful memory of this past year and I needed to lean on friends and family to get through it. Anyone who has to go through something so traumatic - should not keep it a secret, but talk about it. It's the only way to make it easier.

I can't imagine anything that would bring me more happiness in 2009 than a baby. It's no secret that Eric and I have been trying to get pregnant. We have been using the "natural" method for nearly a year and a half. The worst part is knowing that the problems we are having are because of me. I can't tell you how disheartening it is as a woman to fail at the one thing you were put on this earth to do. It is a road I did not expect to have to travel, on top of the other health problems I have. And forgive me for saying this, if I hear one more friend, co-worker or random stranger announce that they "surprise!" are pregnant - I may just pull my fingernails out one by one with a dull pair of pliers. It's not that I'm not happy for those people, I am thrilled. But no one can understand the pain, jealousy and saddness that unintentionally creates, when announced to a woman who is struggling with infertility - unless they have been through it themselves.

All that said, I know that everything happens for a reason. This long and frustrating 18 months and counting has taught me a few key things that I needed reminding:
1) Patience is a virtue - one that I definitely needed some practice with.
2) I am not in control of my own destiny, God is
3) Eric and I are a strong couple. We can get through anything, as long as we stand together.

I pray that this New Year will bring all of you peace, health and above all, happiness.

Merry Christmas!

I know that it's officially Christmas finally...now that I have all my shopping done (who noticed that I was finishing the last of it yesterday, right?)

Despite all of the snow, ice, grumpy holiday shoppers, abused checking accounts and absolute insanity of Christmas "prep", I am finally in the Christmas spirit! The packages are all neatly tucked under the tree - only to be packed into the car this afternoon to head to Eric's parents house. I still don't know how we are going to get all four of us, two dogs, all of our stuff AND Christmas presents into one vehicle?! Thank goodness I married the "master packer" as he is known.

Anyway, the holidays can be exhausting - so be sure to slow down tomorrow and enjoy time with your family and friends. And as Loki knows, it's important to take a nap if you need to!

Merry Christmas to you and your families. Make this a safe and beautiful holiday.

Good laughs to get you through...

I have made it....through one more week. Last week was rough between the layoffs, and working an additional 38 hours at my second job on top of the 40 hours at my primary job. Let's just say it was a long, exhausting, emotionally distressing week. I was tired and crabby (as evident in my last post)! Thanks to everyone who put up with me last week, especially Eric, and helped me get through it!

Onto other things. I have to say, despite the hours, I really enjoy my second job bartending at the Prairie Meadows Events Center. The place is beautiful, and I get to be a part of a variety of events such as elaborate charity galas, fabulous wedding receptions, raucous company holiday parties and a variety of other fun events such as boxing, comedians, concerts, etc. The group of people I work with are the best! The bartenders are a close-knit crew who stick together to get the work done, share the wealth and have a some serious fun in the process. They are great people!

In contrast, I got to thinking about a couple people I do work with that....well....aren't so fun. It is amazing to me how some people can go through life with such a rotten attitude. Don't get me wrong - I OBVIOUSLY have my days, but for the most part, I would like to think I'm a somewhat positive, outgoing and friendly person - willing to help out where needed. And I would sure hope that if I'm not those things, someone who loves me will pull me aside and tell me to get the corncob out of my ass! Reality is- I like to surround myself with people that have a similar mind-set. I don't mean you have to have the same beliefs, lifestyle or opinions as me (let's face it - that would be boring). But I do love those that are friendly hard working, positive and love to laugh!

My point is - life is too short! Don't surround yourself with people that bring you down. So many people in this world are intent on playing the victim and the naysayer with everything they do. PEOPLE - we ALL have victim stories - get over it! If we hope to do great things in life, we need people around us that are encouraging, positive and willing to help us out if needed. On top of all that, I have realized that the most important quality I love in people - is the willingness to have fun and laugh!! Being at work for nearly 80 hours in a week definitely forced me to rely on those around me to keep me going. Thankfully, I have great friends, family and co-workers to bring a smile to my face when I'm asleep on my feet.

So shake off that bad attitude as I have. Deal with your negaitve thoughts, rationalize your reasons to move forward and begin to laugh at yourself. Force yourself to become one of those people that we all love to hang out with! To start you all off on the right path, I submit this horrifically embarrassing picture of myself for your enjoyment (sorry mom). Laugh it up.

In a Haze

Wow - it has been a rough few weeks! I feel like I am in a serious haze....like when you are staring out a car window, but not really watching anything. My eyes are glazed over and I'm seeing everything fly by, but am not alert enough to reconize it.

Principal laid off 550 employees on Tuesday. It was a dreadful day. Everyone knew it was coming, the air was thick, and people cowered at their desks wondering if they would be next. Two of my very good friends and confidants, were "let go". Actually, they were singled out, set up to fail, and eliminated based on personal biases, but what does that matter, right? I sat at my desk and heard the footsteps coming. They tapped on one person, then the next to say "do you have a minute?" I was shaking..waiting for the tap on my shoulder...a tap that never came. I still have a job, but it is one filled with resentment, disappointment and total lack of respect. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have survived. It's just the sense of survivers guilt and anger that make it difficult to get up and stay positive each morning.

Between the issues I've struggled with personally in the past few weeks, to the layoffs, to the realization that this team, this job I had come to love and respect has all but disappeared - I just don't know what to do with myself. The economy is finally hitting home for so many of us. Even I am working 2 jobs to allow ourselves a little extra cushion to be able to afford something fun now and then - otherwise we would be scraping by like so many others. It's so hard to see people like myself and my friends work our tails off, follow the rules, try harder, jump higher and never ask why or what's in it for me - only to be eliminated in the long run. What devastation.

Ultimately, we need to look at what we have. Good friends and family...that is what will see us through the worst of times. I love my friends deeply and not sure what my life will be like when I don't get to wake up every day to come to work and enjoy their company. Obviously, nothing will get in the way of the friendships we have built......but it sure makes me sad that my environment as I know it has been permanently scarred.