It is hard to believe that this year is almost over, and so is my pregnancy (ALMOST over that is).
This year has been filled with so many life changes, it’s hard to keep track! We tried to sell our house, then gave up on selling, then managed to sell it. We moved and lived in an apartment for 2 months, then moved again into our new house. We were blessed by this pregnancy, and are now waiting patiently to greet our new family member!
Now that I’m staring down the barrel of one month of pregnancy left, I’m getting so anxious! Obviously by my last post, I’m feeling nervous, apprehensive and a little overwhelmed. But I’m also so anxious to experience being a mom and watching our family grow and evolve! I am definitely going to miss some things about this pregnancy, but am looking forward to some things being over!
Things I’ll miss:
1) The wonderful love and attention you get from friends/family on a daily basis; everyone is always interested in how you are doing.
2) The exciting stages of this “first” pregnancy where each week you get to look forward to something new and exciting happening with your little one.
3) The super-cute clothes, toys and other baby items you can justify collecting for 10 months, to ensure that this little one will be ‘taken care of’ (aka – spoiled).
4)The comforting movements I feel when this little guy makes his presence known, or reacts to his mommy or daddy’s voice.
Things I won’t:
1)The full force of gravity when I stand up after sitting or laying for a long time, when I realize I’m toting around a basketball-sized belly worth an extra 25 pounds.
2) The inability to de-stress, celebrate or just enjoy a delicious alcoholic beverage or a soak in the hot tub!
3) The plethora of random physical changes (complaints) that I add to each month.
4) Feeling constantly moody, impatient and annoyed by every person place and thing around me…I’ll blame that one on the hormones.
But for all my bitching and moaning this year about these changes, everything has truly been a true blessing. I look forward to seeing what 2010 has in store for me; I hope it’s nothing but more wonderful experiences.
Here’s to a great New Year! (Too bad I’ll likely be sleeping by 10:30 tonight; I trust 2010 will show up anyway!)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A Year Full of Change
Monday, December 7, 2009
A dash of ignorance and fear
I have to say that I’ve learned more about pregnancy and labor in the past month than I have in my entire life combined. Granted, most of the facts and stories I’ve heard have made my face go white as a sheet, but I am trying to absorb as much as I can, knowing that I’ll need every tidbit once this little guy is here. But all of the information has really frightened me into realizing that I have 2 months left of “life as I know it” and I’m going to be a MOM. That is surreal. I’m not sure I’m ready!?
I cannot wrap my mind around caring and providing for a baby of my own. I get there is a baby inside me. He makes it known to me throughout the day and I absolutely love that. What a great feeling to know you are caring and nurturing for a little one who’s not even here yet. Some of it is selfish – I love feeling and knowing that he’s “always with me” and I can talk to him. But the reality is scary – there is a little baby in there who’s going to rely on me for everything, for the rest of his life.
Even scarier is realizing in our prenatal classes that he will need to escape my body at some point (which won't be pleasant....according to the videos and stories I’ve seen and heard.) And that we are going to be taking him home - to care for him, provide for him, and meet his every need. That is so unreal to me, I just can’t wrap my head around it – no matter how many times I step into the nursery, it still feels like it is happening to someone else. Maybe it’s because I’ve dreamed of this for several years…..and feel so blessed that God has finally blessed us with it.
But right about now is where I really hope some Motherly Instincts kick in (I know I don’t have them yet). I have this overwhelming feeling of absolute ignorance. It is more than unnerving to realize that no matter how many books I read or classes I take, I won't really know what to do until I'm in that moment, upon which I’ll need to know what to do right then and there!I'm a planner by nature. I prepare for everything…I make lists, read everything I can get my hands on about a subject, ask friends, etc. I hate not knowing what I’m getting myself into – whether it’s a 2-hour road trip, or a huge remodeling project. I don't know how people go through life just “flying by the seat of their pants."
I have bought books, collected magazines, subscribed to websites, etc., but I know I’m still in for a shock. Perhaps, this is why the thought of packing my hospital bag sends me into a cold sweat. Am I ready for this challenge? Am I ready to give up my 8-hours of sleep a night? Am I ready to have my marriage and entire reality altered forever? My whole way of thinking and doing things is about to change.
After all that, I have to just chalk this up to good old fashioned cold feet. Thankfully, I have complete faith in God that He will give me strength to accomplish everything. And I know with every fiber of my being that this little man with the chubby cheeks that I got to see on ultrasound last week, will become the center of my existence, and the love of my life. I can’t wait.
I cannot wrap my mind around caring and providing for a baby of my own. I get there is a baby inside me. He makes it known to me throughout the day and I absolutely love that. What a great feeling to know you are caring and nurturing for a little one who’s not even here yet. Some of it is selfish – I love feeling and knowing that he’s “always with me” and I can talk to him. But the reality is scary – there is a little baby in there who’s going to rely on me for everything, for the rest of his life.
Even scarier is realizing in our prenatal classes that he will need to escape my body at some point (which won't be pleasant....according to the videos and stories I’ve seen and heard.) And that we are going to be taking him home - to care for him, provide for him, and meet his every need. That is so unreal to me, I just can’t wrap my head around it – no matter how many times I step into the nursery, it still feels like it is happening to someone else. Maybe it’s because I’ve dreamed of this for several years…..and feel so blessed that God has finally blessed us with it.
But right about now is where I really hope some Motherly Instincts kick in (I know I don’t have them yet). I have this overwhelming feeling of absolute ignorance. It is more than unnerving to realize that no matter how many books I read or classes I take, I won't really know what to do until I'm in that moment, upon which I’ll need to know what to do right then and there!I'm a planner by nature. I prepare for everything…I make lists, read everything I can get my hands on about a subject, ask friends, etc. I hate not knowing what I’m getting myself into – whether it’s a 2-hour road trip, or a huge remodeling project. I don't know how people go through life just “flying by the seat of their pants."
I have bought books, collected magazines, subscribed to websites, etc., but I know I’m still in for a shock. Perhaps, this is why the thought of packing my hospital bag sends me into a cold sweat. Am I ready for this challenge? Am I ready to give up my 8-hours of sleep a night? Am I ready to have my marriage and entire reality altered forever? My whole way of thinking and doing things is about to change.
After all that, I have to just chalk this up to good old fashioned cold feet. Thankfully, I have complete faith in God that He will give me strength to accomplish everything. And I know with every fiber of my being that this little man with the chubby cheeks that I got to see on ultrasound last week, will become the center of my existence, and the love of my life. I can’t wait.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Five Pregnancy Pet-Peeves
As I enter my third trimester of this pregnancy, I am finding myself overwhelmed with emotion (AKA....hormones). I have mastered the art of crying for no reason at all. I am irritable, short-fused and bitchy on most days. Thankfully, I at least get one gold star for being able to admit to all of these, as opposed to living in a constant state of denial. However, I've begun keeping a mental list of things that continue to drive me absolutely crazy.
For any of you living with or close to someone who is pregnant, I thought I would share (for your own safety). Here are my top five pregnancy pet peeves - at least for this week:
1) Do not 'tailgate' me. I'm not talking about in your car, but walking. Although my full-fledged pregnancy waddle may not have set in enough yet for you to tell from behind me that I am pregnant, it is still rude to walk behind someone so closely that you have to watch the ground so you don't trip on their ankles (or "cankles"). As on the highway, if you are in that big of a hurry, then go around, I do not plan on giving you a piggy-back ride. Us pregnant gals don't just have the pleasure of carrying extra weight directly on our pubic bone - we also don't see a need to send ourselves into a self-induced asthma attack by trying to get to where we are going a few seconds quicker for your sake. Basically, my coordination (or lack thereof) and desire to tread carefully prevents me from walking at the break-neck speed you apparently crave on foot.....so BACK OFF!
2) Do not....under any circumstances....touch my belly. Just because this basketball-sized protrusion may not seem close enough to me to actually be attached to my body....IT IS. Making the declaration in advance that you "have been there" does not give you the right to touch it. Follow these simple guidelines: If you are a stranger, just pretend you don't see it...you will never have the right or permssion to touch any part of my body, least of all my belly. If you are a family member or friend and you can't help but be fascinated to the point of wanting to touch it, pay me the courtesy to ask me first before I tell you no. The fact remains that this is now the most coveted part of my body and I will invite you to feel it if you are worthy.
3) This one may seem random, but please refrain from using your cell phone in public. This includes enclosed spaces such as public bathrooms, elevators, check-out lines, waiting rooms, etc. Although this may not seem to fit in a list of pregnancy pet peeves, these are situations in which us hormone-laden, unpredictable pregnant ladies may be most likely to errupt from such moronic and self-centered behavior. Please do not expose us to your egocentric conversations about all those worthless things that were apparently too pressing to wait until you were in private - like what to have for dinner. Perhaps this one is common courtesy for all, but with pregnancy hormones raging, I find these people overtly annoying and inconsiderate...and often daydream about throwing their most beloved phone or blackberry under my tire.
4) Please do not make reference to my weight or clothing unless it is blatantly positive in every sense of the word. This would prohibit comments such as "boy, maternity clothes have sure changed a lot," "you sure there's just one in there?" or the ever popular "you must be about ready to pop!" Although your intentions may be good, and I recognize that you apparently have no clue how to make appropriate conversation with such a wierdly-shaped indivdual (especially while staring at my belly), it will not excuse any iditiotic statement you decide to let slip. If you aren't purposely trying to pay me a complement, it is probably best for your sake if you just walk away.
5) Do us "pregnancy virgins" a favor and supress your desire to tell your most horrific pregnancy/labor story. Before you get your non-pregnancy undies in a bundle, let me say that I do understand the ability you have to relate to my situation (if you have had a child). However, sharing by reflecting on your internal vault of the most vivid and traumatic memories you have from that time is probably not the best way to make conversation. The fact is that I am already all-too-aware that this beautifully-huge miracle of life will have to find a way out of me somehow, and I don't need you painting me a picture. If you are still confused by this one, let me help by suggesting some words to refrain from using: miserable, excruciating, 36 hours, big-as-a-house, episiotomy and natural.
For any of you living with or close to someone who is pregnant, I thought I would share (for your own safety). Here are my top five pregnancy pet peeves - at least for this week:
1) Do not 'tailgate' me. I'm not talking about in your car, but walking. Although my full-fledged pregnancy waddle may not have set in enough yet for you to tell from behind me that I am pregnant, it is still rude to walk behind someone so closely that you have to watch the ground so you don't trip on their ankles (or "cankles"). As on the highway, if you are in that big of a hurry, then go around, I do not plan on giving you a piggy-back ride. Us pregnant gals don't just have the pleasure of carrying extra weight directly on our pubic bone - we also don't see a need to send ourselves into a self-induced asthma attack by trying to get to where we are going a few seconds quicker for your sake. Basically, my coordination (or lack thereof) and desire to tread carefully prevents me from walking at the break-neck speed you apparently crave on foot.....so BACK OFF!
2) Do not....under any circumstances....touch my belly. Just because this basketball-sized protrusion may not seem close enough to me to actually be attached to my body....IT IS. Making the declaration in advance that you "have been there" does not give you the right to touch it. Follow these simple guidelines: If you are a stranger, just pretend you don't see it...you will never have the right or permssion to touch any part of my body, least of all my belly. If you are a family member or friend and you can't help but be fascinated to the point of wanting to touch it, pay me the courtesy to ask me first before I tell you no. The fact remains that this is now the most coveted part of my body and I will invite you to feel it if you are worthy.
3) This one may seem random, but please refrain from using your cell phone in public. This includes enclosed spaces such as public bathrooms, elevators, check-out lines, waiting rooms, etc. Although this may not seem to fit in a list of pregnancy pet peeves, these are situations in which us hormone-laden, unpredictable pregnant ladies may be most likely to errupt from such moronic and self-centered behavior. Please do not expose us to your egocentric conversations about all those worthless things that were apparently too pressing to wait until you were in private - like what to have for dinner. Perhaps this one is common courtesy for all, but with pregnancy hormones raging, I find these people overtly annoying and inconsiderate...and often daydream about throwing their most beloved phone or blackberry under my tire.
4) Please do not make reference to my weight or clothing unless it is blatantly positive in every sense of the word. This would prohibit comments such as "boy, maternity clothes have sure changed a lot," "you sure there's just one in there?" or the ever popular "you must be about ready to pop!" Although your intentions may be good, and I recognize that you apparently have no clue how to make appropriate conversation with such a wierdly-shaped indivdual (especially while staring at my belly), it will not excuse any iditiotic statement you decide to let slip. If you aren't purposely trying to pay me a complement, it is probably best for your sake if you just walk away.
5) Do us "pregnancy virgins" a favor and supress your desire to tell your most horrific pregnancy/labor story. Before you get your non-pregnancy undies in a bundle, let me say that I do understand the ability you have to relate to my situation (if you have had a child). However, sharing by reflecting on your internal vault of the most vivid and traumatic memories you have from that time is probably not the best way to make conversation. The fact is that I am already all-too-aware that this beautifully-huge miracle of life will have to find a way out of me somehow, and I don't need you painting me a picture. If you are still confused by this one, let me help by suggesting some words to refrain from using: miserable, excruciating, 36 hours, big-as-a-house, episiotomy and natural.
Friday, October 23, 2009
It's Always the Little Things...
I'm sure I've overemphasized this point at many times during my short blogging career, but it is truly the little things that can make or break your day. Granted, I LOVE the big things - things that you look forward to every day when you wake up, such as a trip or a fun party you plan to go to. But in reality, the little things added together make a much bigger difference on our day-to-day lives.
Take a sneak peek into what I mean by looking at my past 24 hours. Yesterday I woke up to cold and rainy weather. I came to work and had a long day. But thankfully I had a date night planned with my hubby that I was looking forward to for over a week. Well, we had to change plans and needed to skip our romantic dinner so we could go pick up lighting for our basement, strike one. We went out in the pouring rain to two different stores only to walk away with one item, strike two. Finally, we came home soaking wet, enhaled some pizza as a late dinner and went to bed, no kiss goodnight, strike three. While those things may not see like a big deal independently - when you put them all together, they added up to a less-than-enjoyable evening. Just one tiny change could have made a difference. But as it was, I was done and shut down - three strikes and I'm out.
But the little things can also make your day so much better! Perhaps it's a sweet 'good morning' greeting from your spouse, or an email from a long lost friend who just wanted to check and see how you were doing. Those little things can make my grouchy mood turn around! The best thing I can think of is what happened this morning, when I woke up to get another dark, cold and rainy day, strike one. Then drove to work only to meet several accidents and about cause one myself, strike two. But when I got to my desk, I was greeted by a huge pan of homemade apple crisp made by a friend because she heard I was craving it. It literally made my whole day turn around, that someone was so thoughtful and it just happened to be on a day where I was about to give in and give up yet again.
Perhaps it's just the stress in my life that has me so "sensitive" to the little things. But those bad little things can really add up if they happen over and over again, and it can put any one of us in a terrible funk. But if we can just throw a few good things in there, it has the potential to change the way the other person feels, as well as feel better about yourself! I think it's good to take time and realize that a quick love note to your spouse, or surprise treat for your best friend could go a long to them. I know I don't take the time enough to do little special things for those I care about, but hopefully I have learned my lesson.
Take a sneak peek into what I mean by looking at my past 24 hours. Yesterday I woke up to cold and rainy weather. I came to work and had a long day. But thankfully I had a date night planned with my hubby that I was looking forward to for over a week. Well, we had to change plans and needed to skip our romantic dinner so we could go pick up lighting for our basement, strike one. We went out in the pouring rain to two different stores only to walk away with one item, strike two. Finally, we came home soaking wet, enhaled some pizza as a late dinner and went to bed, no kiss goodnight, strike three. While those things may not see like a big deal independently - when you put them all together, they added up to a less-than-enjoyable evening. Just one tiny change could have made a difference. But as it was, I was done and shut down - three strikes and I'm out.
But the little things can also make your day so much better! Perhaps it's a sweet 'good morning' greeting from your spouse, or an email from a long lost friend who just wanted to check and see how you were doing. Those little things can make my grouchy mood turn around! The best thing I can think of is what happened this morning, when I woke up to get another dark, cold and rainy day, strike one. Then drove to work only to meet several accidents and about cause one myself, strike two. But when I got to my desk, I was greeted by a huge pan of homemade apple crisp made by a friend because she heard I was craving it. It literally made my whole day turn around, that someone was so thoughtful and it just happened to be on a day where I was about to give in and give up yet again.
Perhaps it's just the stress in my life that has me so "sensitive" to the little things. But those bad little things can really add up if they happen over and over again, and it can put any one of us in a terrible funk. But if we can just throw a few good things in there, it has the potential to change the way the other person feels, as well as feel better about yourself! I think it's good to take time and realize that a quick love note to your spouse, or surprise treat for your best friend could go a long to them. I know I don't take the time enough to do little special things for those I care about, but hopefully I have learned my lesson.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tis Not Yet the Season?
First off, shame on me for letting so much time go by between blogs. Thankfully, I'm back on the wagon and so excited to announce that Eric and I are expecting a BABY BOY!! We continue to pray that he is healthy and growing strong each day, and although the boys were hoping for a little sister, I think they are really excited about a little brother. What a great addition this little guy will be to our family and extended family! I mean, he'll have two brothers and five cousins to play with (four of which are boys). What fun he'll have!
In addition to that great news, we also were lucky enough to be the grand prize winners of a dream nursery from the Mercy Stork Affair event we attended! We were blown away. It is the largest thing either of us have ever won, and considering we were only at the Stork Affair for about 45 minutes, I'd say it was a good investment of our time! We are being treated to a brand new crib, dresser, hutch, glider/rocker, crib bedding and even money to use on a local artist to come paint a mural or provide artwork! It is truly unreal and I personally feel so grateful (and a little undeserving at times). I'll post some pictures once we get the room closer to complete.
So, since my last post our life has pretty much been non-stop. We are still unpacking boxes and find where we put everything, but we have added a variety of other activities to the mix. Orrin is in flag-football again which requires two weekday practices and a game every week, Eric plays softball which takes up an additional night each week and I am still working my second job, but thankfully that will be coming to a halt in a few weeks. In addition, we have needed to take time for contractors to come fix minor "new house" repairs, and get companies in to give us bids on finishing our basement, and the weekends have been dedicated to working on the house, traveling to Iowa games, etc. October is probably the busiest month I have experienced in a long time. Now, we are also adding in baby classes, weddings, parties, etc. I didn't think it was supposed to get busy like this until the holidays? But regardless, everything that keeps us so busy are ultimately great things that have helped us enjoy our fall season even more.
The rest of October will continue to be busy - no doubt about that. But I have to say, I'm really looking forward to November 1st, when we may be able to get a few months of down time before this little bundle of joy turns our world upside down in new and unique ways!
In addition to that great news, we also were lucky enough to be the grand prize winners of a dream nursery from the Mercy Stork Affair event we attended! We were blown away. It is the largest thing either of us have ever won, and considering we were only at the Stork Affair for about 45 minutes, I'd say it was a good investment of our time! We are being treated to a brand new crib, dresser, hutch, glider/rocker, crib bedding and even money to use on a local artist to come paint a mural or provide artwork! It is truly unreal and I personally feel so grateful (and a little undeserving at times). I'll post some pictures once we get the room closer to complete.
So, since my last post our life has pretty much been non-stop. We are still unpacking boxes and find where we put everything, but we have added a variety of other activities to the mix. Orrin is in flag-football again which requires two weekday practices and a game every week, Eric plays softball which takes up an additional night each week and I am still working my second job, but thankfully that will be coming to a halt in a few weeks. In addition, we have needed to take time for contractors to come fix minor "new house" repairs, and get companies in to give us bids on finishing our basement, and the weekends have been dedicated to working on the house, traveling to Iowa games, etc. October is probably the busiest month I have experienced in a long time. Now, we are also adding in baby classes, weddings, parties, etc. I didn't think it was supposed to get busy like this until the holidays? But regardless, everything that keeps us so busy are ultimately great things that have helped us enjoy our fall season even more.
The rest of October will continue to be busy - no doubt about that. But I have to say, I'm really looking forward to November 1st, when we may be able to get a few months of down time before this little bundle of joy turns our world upside down in new and unique ways!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Never Again
Ok, so I know EVERYONE who has ever moved from one house to another has probably said "I'm never moving again." Therefore, I will simply say, I am not going to move again for a very long time!
We finally closed on our house and were able to move out of that wretched apartment we were living in for the past two months. The move was not easy, there was so much up in the air in terms of when we would close, when we could move in, etc. The fact that we had to move two times made everything twice as difficult, which I did not expect. We had to do 2 different changes of address, we had to clean both our house when we moved out, and now an apartment, and we had to cancel all of our utilities only to turn around and sign up for them all over again.
In addition, because we were moving into a newly-constructed house, it has presented it's own challenges... including buying blinds for all the windows, learning how to properly water fresh sod, convincing the post office that our address really DOES exist, trying to find out why there are no phone or internet providers that will service our area, and the unique problem of how to deal with frog overpopulation in our yard (thanks to our pond).
Monday I have an ultrasound that will allow Eric and I to confirm once and for all, whether little Baby K is going to be a boy or a girl (although I know already). It really helps put things into perspective....why we moved in the first place. We want this to be a new start for our new family. A chance to truly settle in, make friends with our neighbors, be comfortable in the environment and raise our family. We loved our old house and have so many fantastic memories of our time there. But this new house is a chance for us to grow and evolve, without the nagging "need" for something more.
I can't wait to enjoy this house for a very, very long time. We continue to be so blessed.
We finally closed on our house and were able to move out of that wretched apartment we were living in for the past two months. The move was not easy, there was so much up in the air in terms of when we would close, when we could move in, etc. The fact that we had to move two times made everything twice as difficult, which I did not expect. We had to do 2 different changes of address, we had to clean both our house when we moved out, and now an apartment, and we had to cancel all of our utilities only to turn around and sign up for them all over again.
In addition, because we were moving into a newly-constructed house, it has presented it's own challenges... including buying blinds for all the windows, learning how to properly water fresh sod, convincing the post office that our address really DOES exist, trying to find out why there are no phone or internet providers that will service our area, and the unique problem of how to deal with frog overpopulation in our yard (thanks to our pond).
Monday I have an ultrasound that will allow Eric and I to confirm once and for all, whether little Baby K is going to be a boy or a girl (although I know already). It really helps put things into perspective....why we moved in the first place. We want this to be a new start for our new family. A chance to truly settle in, make friends with our neighbors, be comfortable in the environment and raise our family. We loved our old house and have so many fantastic memories of our time there. But this new house is a chance for us to grow and evolve, without the nagging "need" for something more.
I can't wait to enjoy this house for a very, very long time. We continue to be so blessed.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Apartment-Hell
We had a great life in our first house for 3 years, and when we decided to pack up and live in temporary housing - a lot of very basic conveniences that I would have never thought of, suddenly disappeared. I never really thought we were living in luxury before, but going from a house back into a tiny 2-BR apartment for two months has been the most humbling experience I've had in a while. Building a house has been amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We are very blessed. However, with that said, I think next time I'd choose to live at a hotel where I could at least get a free breakfast and housekeeping each day rather than the POS apartment we have had to rent (for lack of better options).
I apologize in advance to all of my friends and family who have had to listen to me bitch and moan about our apartment for the last month and a half, but sadly it has to be said or I'm going to lose my sanity. And yes, I am being a whiner....I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.
So without further delay, here are the top 10 things I hate about apartment living vs. our house:
10) The lovely one-finger greeting by other apartment dwellers when trying to leave the complex on the virtually one-lane drive in and out.
9) The lack of cleanliness around the complex - nothing better than garbage blowing around when the dumpster hasn't been emptied in 10 days.
8) The utter absence of sunlight and space in our apartment that makes me feel like I'm living in a beer can (but without the beer).
7) The horrendous screeching noise we hear in the apartment when any neighbor decides to shower.
6) Such a complete lack of space in each room that the dogs have to back up like a dump truck in order to move out of our way.
5) Boxes piled 8 high in every room of the house with things that we didn't "think" we'd need. Thank God I found my underwear and pillow!
4) The fact that everything I touch is on the verge of breaking - loose door knobs, leaking sink, squeaky drawers, etc.
3) The nearly 2-mile walk from the parking lot into the apartment, following the daily cussing ritual that there are no parking spots left.
2) The tiny fridge that can barely hold a gallon of milk and tub of butter; and you have to remove 3 items in order to get the one in back, out.
And the number one reason I hate living in an apartment.....
1) It's not our home.
Now that I have that out of my system, I am pleased to announce that we are a mere 3 weeks away from moving into the most beautiful house I could ever imagine. It seems surreal, and will definitely feel like we are living the high-life compared to our current residence! All the more grateful we'll be!
I apologize in advance to all of my friends and family who have had to listen to me bitch and moan about our apartment for the last month and a half, but sadly it has to be said or I'm going to lose my sanity. And yes, I am being a whiner....I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.
So without further delay, here are the top 10 things I hate about apartment living vs. our house:
10) The lovely one-finger greeting by other apartment dwellers when trying to leave the complex on the virtually one-lane drive in and out.
9) The lack of cleanliness around the complex - nothing better than garbage blowing around when the dumpster hasn't been emptied in 10 days.
8) The utter absence of sunlight and space in our apartment that makes me feel like I'm living in a beer can (but without the beer).
7) The horrendous screeching noise we hear in the apartment when any neighbor decides to shower.
6) Such a complete lack of space in each room that the dogs have to back up like a dump truck in order to move out of our way.
5) Boxes piled 8 high in every room of the house with things that we didn't "think" we'd need. Thank God I found my underwear and pillow!
4) The fact that everything I touch is on the verge of breaking - loose door knobs, leaking sink, squeaky drawers, etc.
3) The nearly 2-mile walk from the parking lot into the apartment, following the daily cussing ritual that there are no parking spots left.
2) The tiny fridge that can barely hold a gallon of milk and tub of butter; and you have to remove 3 items in order to get the one in back, out.
And the number one reason I hate living in an apartment.....
1) It's not our home.
Now that I have that out of my system, I am pleased to announce that we are a mere 3 weeks away from moving into the most beautiful house I could ever imagine. It seems surreal, and will definitely feel like we are living the high-life compared to our current residence! All the more grateful we'll be!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Me & My 'Pot Belly'
I have to say first off, I do love being pregnant. I’ve been SO lucky to have so far avoided “driving the porcelin bus” (as my family calls it) every morning, and have hopefully spared my husband my devil-like mood swings on most days. Yet, I am not so naïve to neglect to realize I’m only 11.5 weeks in and things have the potential and near-guarantee of getting increasingly miserable each week.
To "help" me on my journey, there are a billion pregnancy books out there. I’ve been sucked into the phenomena enough to buy one of them, thankfully I got it for $5 at the 2nd hand store. The book takes a humorous approach to the alien-like transition your body and mind will go through in the 10 months of pregnancy – yes, it actually is 10. I’m not sure if is successful at being humorous (maybe for certain topics) but it is successful at depressing me to the point of wanting a drink… and scaring the buhjesus out of me while they were at it. Obviously I shouldn’t have read ahead in the book to find out how it ends.
But my only initial complaint for the moment is what one of the pregnancy books affectionately referred to as my “pot belly”. Yes – that’s right. This whole scam of pregnant women being beautiful, glowing and voluptuous is not only a crock to those who are or have to live with a pregnant woman – but even the books themselves call B.S. on such a thing! Literally, at the stage I am at in my pregnancy, apparently it is common for women to have a pot belly. Gee - what an affectionate way to refer to the miracle growing inside of me. Despite the fact that every day about 2pm I try to sneak into the bathroom and take a nap on the toilet, and that my hormones have me raging and laughing within a matter of minutes, let’s go ahead and insult the newly-pregnant women and her body while we are at it!
Long story short, every day I get to wake up and drag this pot belly to the closet to find out what clothes I can squeeze into without looking like an overfed 2-year-old toddler. I have to say, this in-between stage between the suspicious whispers of “she has had a few too many doughnuts” or “is she pregnant” tend to do some damage to your self-esteem on top of everything else you are learning how to deal with.
Now with that said, in the end it is totally worth it. The few glimpses I’ve been blessed to have of this baby via ultrasound have brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my soul. I am anxious to move past the pot belly, and begin to see and feel the baby growing. I realize I’ll likely eat the words above 6 months from now, but right now I am looking forward to an awesome future of getting to know “baby K”.
To "help" me on my journey, there are a billion pregnancy books out there. I’ve been sucked into the phenomena enough to buy one of them, thankfully I got it for $5 at the 2nd hand store. The book takes a humorous approach to the alien-like transition your body and mind will go through in the 10 months of pregnancy – yes, it actually is 10. I’m not sure if is successful at being humorous (maybe for certain topics) but it is successful at depressing me to the point of wanting a drink… and scaring the buhjesus out of me while they were at it. Obviously I shouldn’t have read ahead in the book to find out how it ends.
But my only initial complaint for the moment is what one of the pregnancy books affectionately referred to as my “pot belly”. Yes – that’s right. This whole scam of pregnant women being beautiful, glowing and voluptuous is not only a crock to those who are or have to live with a pregnant woman – but even the books themselves call B.S. on such a thing! Literally, at the stage I am at in my pregnancy, apparently it is common for women to have a pot belly. Gee - what an affectionate way to refer to the miracle growing inside of me. Despite the fact that every day about 2pm I try to sneak into the bathroom and take a nap on the toilet, and that my hormones have me raging and laughing within a matter of minutes, let’s go ahead and insult the newly-pregnant women and her body while we are at it!
Long story short, every day I get to wake up and drag this pot belly to the closet to find out what clothes I can squeeze into without looking like an overfed 2-year-old toddler. I have to say, this in-between stage between the suspicious whispers of “she has had a few too many doughnuts” or “is she pregnant” tend to do some damage to your self-esteem on top of everything else you are learning how to deal with.
Now with that said, in the end it is totally worth it. The few glimpses I’ve been blessed to have of this baby via ultrasound have brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my soul. I am anxious to move past the pot belly, and begin to see and feel the baby growing. I realize I’ll likely eat the words above 6 months from now, but right now I am looking forward to an awesome future of getting to know “baby K”.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Need More Patience
pa·tience (noun): good-natured tolerance of delay.
Patience is a virtue – one that I have not been blessed with. Fortunately, I can blame this one on my dad. As much as I love him, he is one of the most impatient people I know (other than me). Patience requires us to “wait calmly for something to happen without complaining.” Wow – sound virtually impossible to me.
But I acknowledge that patience is something I could use a little more of these days. Now don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining, but I am overly-anxious for things to happen. For instance, Eric and I are now living in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment that is the worst I’ve endured since college. Each day drags along while we “patiently” wait for our new house to be finished. We go out once each week to see what progress they have made, to which each time we go I’m disappointed that they didn’t get more done! Thank God I married a man who keeps me grounded and deals calmly with my impatience on a daily basis. Basically, the construction of our new house is progressing normally, but it can’t come soon enough for me!
Another aspect of life right now that requires patience is my pregnancy. I am 10 weeks, and being a first-time mom and someone who has waited years for this, I am impatient with the progress. I can’t wait to feel the baby move, I can’t wait to find out the sex and pick a name, I can’t wait to buy cute clothes and design a nursery…and I can’t wait to meet this beautiful miracle baby. Again, I make progress every day but it just can’t happen quickly enough for someone impatient like me. Despite my own desires, I realize that the greatest things in life are worth waiting for – and this is definitely no exception.
But to help counteract my impatience, I have begun to find something to look forward to each and every day. I hope it helps keep me more grounded and focused on the joy of the immediate future. I love my life and look forward to every single day that I get to share with my friends and family. I may struggle with being impatient with some of the more exciting and monumental things in my life, but every day has its own blessings, and I’m not too impatient to realize that.
Patience is a virtue – one that I have not been blessed with. Fortunately, I can blame this one on my dad. As much as I love him, he is one of the most impatient people I know (other than me). Patience requires us to “wait calmly for something to happen without complaining.” Wow – sound virtually impossible to me.
But I acknowledge that patience is something I could use a little more of these days. Now don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining, but I am overly-anxious for things to happen. For instance, Eric and I are now living in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment that is the worst I’ve endured since college. Each day drags along while we “patiently” wait for our new house to be finished. We go out once each week to see what progress they have made, to which each time we go I’m disappointed that they didn’t get more done! Thank God I married a man who keeps me grounded and deals calmly with my impatience on a daily basis. Basically, the construction of our new house is progressing normally, but it can’t come soon enough for me!
Another aspect of life right now that requires patience is my pregnancy. I am 10 weeks, and being a first-time mom and someone who has waited years for this, I am impatient with the progress. I can’t wait to feel the baby move, I can’t wait to find out the sex and pick a name, I can’t wait to buy cute clothes and design a nursery…and I can’t wait to meet this beautiful miracle baby. Again, I make progress every day but it just can’t happen quickly enough for someone impatient like me. Despite my own desires, I realize that the greatest things in life are worth waiting for – and this is definitely no exception.
But to help counteract my impatience, I have begun to find something to look forward to each and every day. I hope it helps keep me more grounded and focused on the joy of the immediate future. I love my life and look forward to every single day that I get to share with my friends and family. I may struggle with being impatient with some of the more exciting and monumental things in my life, but every day has its own blessings, and I’m not too impatient to realize that.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Don't push Him out
I was sifting through old emails today and found this one, written by Ben Stein. I think it’s so insightful and important to keep in mind during the bustle of our daily lives.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (Regarding Hurricane Katrina.) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." How simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing? Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
I hope all of us can begin to have conversations about God. I pray that we can invite him back into your lives if He has been missing, and glorify Him more often if He's been there all along.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (Regarding Hurricane Katrina.) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." How simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing? Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
I hope all of us can begin to have conversations about God. I pray that we can invite him back into your lives if He has been missing, and glorify Him more often if He's been there all along.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
And Away We Go…..
It’s amazing how God can sneak up on you and work miracles in your life. In a little over a week’s time, we were able to sell our old house and buy a new one, all to our surprise!
It really just goes to prove that we aren’t in control of anything….
Just a week prior, we were so upset and disheartened because our old realtors had fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn’t return our phone calls, and the house we had picked out as our “dream house” was suddenly been sold to someone else. Everything seemed to be falling apart and we were left wondering why. But by the grace of God, we received a phone call on a Monday night asking if someone could show our house. Ironically, it had already been pulled off of the website – so it's a wonder how they found us? They made an offer that night and we sold it. A few days later, after seeing many houses, but not finding any that were exactly what we wanted, we came across the perfect house. It is in Altoona and is still being built, but it will be brand new and ready for our family in August.
In usual fashion, if we put our pride (or whatever it is) aside and manage to let go of the wheel – God will take control of our lives. We may not always understand why things happen, and it may seem at the time like things are working against us. But as I’ve said before, I believe God always has a plan, we just don't always understand what it is. What may seem like sadness and disappointment now – may lead to something even better down the road. It is only when we can realize that it is up to Him, and not always try to control our own destiny, that it will happen.
I am so blessed, every day. Whether we would have stayed in our current house, or are able to move to a bigger one….I’m thankful for every joy God instills in my life. And the best part of this past week was not the joy of a new house, but of knowing that God was in control all along and had bigger and better plans for us. What an amazing feeling to know He is always with us. We just sometimes need reminding.
It really just goes to prove that we aren’t in control of anything….
Just a week prior, we were so upset and disheartened because our old realtors had fallen off the face of the earth and wouldn’t return our phone calls, and the house we had picked out as our “dream house” was suddenly been sold to someone else. Everything seemed to be falling apart and we were left wondering why. But by the grace of God, we received a phone call on a Monday night asking if someone could show our house. Ironically, it had already been pulled off of the website – so it's a wonder how they found us? They made an offer that night and we sold it. A few days later, after seeing many houses, but not finding any that were exactly what we wanted, we came across the perfect house. It is in Altoona and is still being built, but it will be brand new and ready for our family in August.
In usual fashion, if we put our pride (or whatever it is) aside and manage to let go of the wheel – God will take control of our lives. We may not always understand why things happen, and it may seem at the time like things are working against us. But as I’ve said before, I believe God always has a plan, we just don't always understand what it is. What may seem like sadness and disappointment now – may lead to something even better down the road. It is only when we can realize that it is up to Him, and not always try to control our own destiny, that it will happen.
I am so blessed, every day. Whether we would have stayed in our current house, or are able to move to a bigger one….I’m thankful for every joy God instills in my life. And the best part of this past week was not the joy of a new house, but of knowing that God was in control all along and had bigger and better plans for us. What an amazing feeling to know He is always with us. We just sometimes need reminding.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Nothing to Fear?
“The only thing we have to fear is…fear itself.” --Franklin D. Roosevelt
Anyone who knows me knows I am not a history buff, but that quote strikes me, this week in particular. I have been thinking lately about fear and how it takes a choke-hold on our lives from the time we are little kids.
Take my 10-year-old stepson for example. This weekend was a stormy one, and he has a terrible fear of thunder. Even though he is old enough to rationalize with his fears, he’s still scared. We can tell him it’s just noise and it’s not going to hurt you, but for whatever reason, it still scares him. We may think it’s irrational, but to him it makes perfect sense. I think a lot of our fears stem from childhood. Like my paralyzing fear of bees (insert your mocking laugh here). When I was about 8, my mom and I got caught in our strawberry patch while a swarm of bees decided to nest in one of our trees. We had to run under a blanket to get inside and call an exterminator. Hence, I am still to this day, scared of bees and run like my pants are on fire when I see one. Some childhood fears seem to continue on as adults. The fear of pain is a perfect example. I will be getting a medical test done next Tuesday that will likely be painful. And just like a 5-year-old child, I don’t want to go because I’m afraid of the pain. It’s amazing how some fears never change, regardless of our age.
But as we get older, we can manage to talk ourselves out of most of the fears we had as children. Perhaps it was a fear of the dark, or monsters in the closet, or even the neighborhood bully. Those are simple things we can now look back on and say “that was silly.” But it wasn’t silly at the time…it was very real. And even though we are able to conquer most fears we struggled with as kids, there are new ones that emerge as adults. Perhaps the fear of losing a loved one, losing your job, the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection…. the list could go on and on. It is amazing what a grip fear can have on your life if you let it. Especially those of us that watch the news or read the paper – we are bombarded with reasons to be afraid every single day! I am amazed that any of us get up and leave the house each day!
My point is that I think it is ok to be afraid, but not to let those fears prevent us from living the lives we want. We all still have fear (some more than others). Just like the little kids we once were, each person’s fear is very real to them, even though it may seem irrational to others. We cannot wake up each day being afraid to help out a stranger or take a chance doing something daring. Those are the moments in life that make it the most rewarding! Conquering your fear is the most exhilarating experience there is. So don’t dwell on what you are afraid of, and don’t be ashamed of it. Face it dead in the eye and get past it. After all, it’s really only the fear itself that we’re afraid of!
Anyone who knows me knows I am not a history buff, but that quote strikes me, this week in particular. I have been thinking lately about fear and how it takes a choke-hold on our lives from the time we are little kids.
Take my 10-year-old stepson for example. This weekend was a stormy one, and he has a terrible fear of thunder. Even though he is old enough to rationalize with his fears, he’s still scared. We can tell him it’s just noise and it’s not going to hurt you, but for whatever reason, it still scares him. We may think it’s irrational, but to him it makes perfect sense. I think a lot of our fears stem from childhood. Like my paralyzing fear of bees (insert your mocking laugh here). When I was about 8, my mom and I got caught in our strawberry patch while a swarm of bees decided to nest in one of our trees. We had to run under a blanket to get inside and call an exterminator. Hence, I am still to this day, scared of bees and run like my pants are on fire when I see one. Some childhood fears seem to continue on as adults. The fear of pain is a perfect example. I will be getting a medical test done next Tuesday that will likely be painful. And just like a 5-year-old child, I don’t want to go because I’m afraid of the pain. It’s amazing how some fears never change, regardless of our age.
But as we get older, we can manage to talk ourselves out of most of the fears we had as children. Perhaps it was a fear of the dark, or monsters in the closet, or even the neighborhood bully. Those are simple things we can now look back on and say “that was silly.” But it wasn’t silly at the time…it was very real. And even though we are able to conquer most fears we struggled with as kids, there are new ones that emerge as adults. Perhaps the fear of losing a loved one, losing your job, the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection…. the list could go on and on. It is amazing what a grip fear can have on your life if you let it. Especially those of us that watch the news or read the paper – we are bombarded with reasons to be afraid every single day! I am amazed that any of us get up and leave the house each day!
My point is that I think it is ok to be afraid, but not to let those fears prevent us from living the lives we want. We all still have fear (some more than others). Just like the little kids we once were, each person’s fear is very real to them, even though it may seem irrational to others. We cannot wake up each day being afraid to help out a stranger or take a chance doing something daring. Those are the moments in life that make it the most rewarding! Conquering your fear is the most exhilarating experience there is. So don’t dwell on what you are afraid of, and don’t be ashamed of it. Face it dead in the eye and get past it. After all, it’s really only the fear itself that we’re afraid of!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Sunny Day....
I feel the need to sing that Sesame Street song. If you are my age, I'm sure you know how it goes.... "Sunny Day....sweeping the...clouds away!" I love that.
Honestly, I cannot get enough of this beautiful weather! I know it's Iowa, and it will soon be scorching hot, muggy, buggy and miserable. But for the couple months out of the year that I can relish in the amazing spring and fall weather - I'm in heaven! I keep telling Eric we will be moving somewhere that's sunny and in the 70's all the time when we're old and senile.
Loki and I had the opportunity to enjoy a fantastic day to ourselves at Grey's Lake last weekend...he's such a poser. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Reconnecting
I have to admit, I had major hesitations with joining Facebook. I was worried it would open a whole can of worms and just be a distraction to the wonderful life I have already been blessed with. I also didn’t quite understand what the obsession was all about (I still don’t). However, I have since discovered that it is not a distraction, but a great tool to reconnect!
I have managed to get back in touch with long lost friends who I have often wondered about, but never pursued trying to track down. Facebook is like a great location for everyone to go “meet up”….people in my life now, people from long ago, and even some new people! How great it is to choose who you want to hear from, and how often you keep in touch. It is less intimidating than picking up the phone to call someone after 10 years, and much more convenient.
Call me a sap, but I am really enjoying getting back in touch with some people. Most of which are people who were once a HUGE part of my life, friendships I thought would last forever – but were torn at by distance and change in circumstance. I am realizing that these “old friends” are still friends. Although their life may be different now than when we were 17, they are still the same good-hearted, fun loving people I enjoyed spending time with long ago. We share lots of memories…laughter, tears and everything in between. That seems to be something that time and distance cannot fade.
Although most of us have all change dramatically from 10+ years ago, including spouses, kids, careers and so on, perhaps we can each sprinkle a little friendship from times long ago into our current lifestyle. After all, many of us are still sharing in the same joys and tragedies in life - and can probably continue to learn from and lean on each other. Let's face it, with the way things are today, we need all the friendship, laughter and support we can get!
I have managed to get back in touch with long lost friends who I have often wondered about, but never pursued trying to track down. Facebook is like a great location for everyone to go “meet up”….people in my life now, people from long ago, and even some new people! How great it is to choose who you want to hear from, and how often you keep in touch. It is less intimidating than picking up the phone to call someone after 10 years, and much more convenient.
Call me a sap, but I am really enjoying getting back in touch with some people. Most of which are people who were once a HUGE part of my life, friendships I thought would last forever – but were torn at by distance and change in circumstance. I am realizing that these “old friends” are still friends. Although their life may be different now than when we were 17, they are still the same good-hearted, fun loving people I enjoyed spending time with long ago. We share lots of memories…laughter, tears and everything in between. That seems to be something that time and distance cannot fade.
Although most of us have all change dramatically from 10+ years ago, including spouses, kids, careers and so on, perhaps we can each sprinkle a little friendship from times long ago into our current lifestyle. After all, many of us are still sharing in the same joys and tragedies in life - and can probably continue to learn from and lean on each other. Let's face it, with the way things are today, we need all the friendship, laughter and support we can get!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Cracking
I’m normally pretty good about handling stress. I have been through a bit of it in my life – especially during my divorce nearly 4 years ago. I can very clearly remember the few instances where it has gotten the best of me. Four years ago, it was that initial feeling like I was “losing it”. I felt like the happy facade I tried so hard to keep in tact, was cracking. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, utter frustration, like I was watching my life spiral out of control with no way to stop it.
In comparison, the stress I feel in my life now is minimal. But the number of things I am worried about have reached an all-time high. I have tried my best to ignore it or assume that it would just go away – the stress has been building. I feel like I can handle one or two things at a time, but it is when things seem to snowball and feed off of each other that I begin to crack. What is stressing me out you ask? Well, not being able to see my good friends everyday anymore, and knowing the struggles they are having; failing at trying to sell a house that we are quickly outgrowing; taking every pill possible to try and trick my body into getting pregnant with no success; and detesting every minute of my job - where I’m constantly critiqued and scrutinized, only to wake up the every day and wonder if my position will be the next to go.
The best evidence of the impact this is having on me (without my apparent knowledge), is the comments people have made to me lately. In the last 2 days, I’ve heard things like, “You look stressed”, “You look like you could use a break?”, and “You need to relax!” Now although I don’t condone violence, comments like that ON TOP OF stress, are enough to make me flip out. But instead, it has made me realize that perhaps the stress in my life is finally getting the best of me. Despite my best efforts, it seems that no amount of sleep, Tylenol or alcohol can make things better.
So now I have to face the reality of it – the stress in my life has finally gotten the best of me. I have been a crab to everyone in my life in the past month, mostly myself. I am cracking and I’m not sure how much more I can take. In the past, I lean on friends and family during times like these – but when even those people are stressed or relationships are strained, then I guess I don’t know how to handle it. So now I turn to writing to release my feelings, as I often do. But I think this time, even writing won’t be enough.
What now? Not sure. Probably shed a few tears, probably try to talk myself into not worrying so much, and ultimately decide that things have to work themselves out in time. In the big picture, it seems ridiculous to be acting so victimized. I am still truly blessed.
In comparison, the stress I feel in my life now is minimal. But the number of things I am worried about have reached an all-time high. I have tried my best to ignore it or assume that it would just go away – the stress has been building. I feel like I can handle one or two things at a time, but it is when things seem to snowball and feed off of each other that I begin to crack. What is stressing me out you ask? Well, not being able to see my good friends everyday anymore, and knowing the struggles they are having; failing at trying to sell a house that we are quickly outgrowing; taking every pill possible to try and trick my body into getting pregnant with no success; and detesting every minute of my job - where I’m constantly critiqued and scrutinized, only to wake up the every day and wonder if my position will be the next to go.
The best evidence of the impact this is having on me (without my apparent knowledge), is the comments people have made to me lately. In the last 2 days, I’ve heard things like, “You look stressed”, “You look like you could use a break?”, and “You need to relax!” Now although I don’t condone violence, comments like that ON TOP OF stress, are enough to make me flip out. But instead, it has made me realize that perhaps the stress in my life is finally getting the best of me. Despite my best efforts, it seems that no amount of sleep, Tylenol or alcohol can make things better.
So now I have to face the reality of it – the stress in my life has finally gotten the best of me. I have been a crab to everyone in my life in the past month, mostly myself. I am cracking and I’m not sure how much more I can take. In the past, I lean on friends and family during times like these – but when even those people are stressed or relationships are strained, then I guess I don’t know how to handle it. So now I turn to writing to release my feelings, as I often do. But I think this time, even writing won’t be enough.
What now? Not sure. Probably shed a few tears, probably try to talk myself into not worrying so much, and ultimately decide that things have to work themselves out in time. In the big picture, it seems ridiculous to be acting so victimized. I am still truly blessed.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
I read a quote today that struck me, so I thought I'd share:
"I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us."
Late Sunday night or early Monday morning - when we are all dreading starting a new week - it is good to remember that each day is a gift, so enjoy it! Sitting up late at night and stewing about what may happen in the coming days and weeks, wont' do us any good....but may make cowards of us.
I am glad that brought me a little peace today.
Happy Monday to everyone!
"I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us."
Late Sunday night or early Monday morning - when we are all dreading starting a new week - it is good to remember that each day is a gift, so enjoy it! Sitting up late at night and stewing about what may happen in the coming days and weeks, wont' do us any good....but may make cowards of us.
I am glad that brought me a little peace today.
Happy Monday to everyone!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Overcoming my doormat tendencies
I have come to realize over the past few years that I am a total schoolgirl at heart. I don’t mean in terms of enjoying wearing dresses, makeup and girly things like that but I’m a girl at HEART. Since I was very young and playing in the sandbox with the neighbor kids, I have been a vulnerable girl trying so hard to fit in somewhere. I wore my heart on my sleeve, was (and still am) very sensitive, and also very easily hurt.
The best example is how I have always been the type that hates being left out. I thought I would have grown out of that long ago….but I haven’t. I get very easily hurt when I’m not invited to get together with friends, even if it’s the tiniest moment of two friends that meet for coffee, I always second guess “why didn’t they invite me?” I’m sure it ties to some insecurity on my part. But for me, it also stems from painful memories of the past.
As most girls probably did, I had a rough time trying to fit in during junior high, and was often picked on, talked about behind my back, and sometimes straight-up targeted for ridicule. Maybe it was because I wasn’t willing to join in those mean practices towards other girls, I was fairly nice to everyone. I guess that confirms that if you aren’t the hunter, then you become the hunted. Things dramatically improved in high school, those were my best years. But then in college, I started a bad habit of becoming the “doormat friend”. I’m sure you all know someone like this. Basically I became a doormat for strong female personalities who called me a friend so they could use me. Sure, I had some great times with these girls, but they were the types that were emotionally abusive whenever they needed to let loose on someone…regardless of whether I had anything to do with it. I have since learned to avoid those toxic relationships, and made the decision to eliminate those few remaining ones from my life over the past few years.
But all that said, I think those years of trying so hard to fit in has forever changed me. I now recognize that I tend to try too hard to be liked by those I respect most; trying to prove my value and friendship, often with a paralyzing fear of rejection. I get frightened when I go too long without hearing back from a friend…I wonder what I might have done, and worry that I probably upset them. I reevaluate every conversation we had the days before to try and analyze what I did wrong. I’m sure that's because I was a doormat friend for so long. Sadly, I have gone the same route with relationships over the years, wondering what I did to make him not like me…..I know, I am messed up! But there is good news….
The good news is – I am finally catching on! I can now recognize when I’m being overly sensitive to not being invited somewhere, or overly paranoid when not hearing back from a friend. I have realized that friendships change, and you can’t make room for healthy ones, until you rid your life of the toxic ones. I am grateful now to have a great group of friends, and a loving husband. All who love and accept me for who I am.
All that said, I still have my days where I may worry too much or feel hurt because I was left out. Those are just the days where the 12-year-old in me can’t help but emerge. It makes me wonder – maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe we need to remember who we were back then and realize how deeply we were impacted during those times. Perhaps only by recognizing and reliving those feelings, can we truly learn how to move on and grow spiritually.
The best example is how I have always been the type that hates being left out. I thought I would have grown out of that long ago….but I haven’t. I get very easily hurt when I’m not invited to get together with friends, even if it’s the tiniest moment of two friends that meet for coffee, I always second guess “why didn’t they invite me?” I’m sure it ties to some insecurity on my part. But for me, it also stems from painful memories of the past.
As most girls probably did, I had a rough time trying to fit in during junior high, and was often picked on, talked about behind my back, and sometimes straight-up targeted for ridicule. Maybe it was because I wasn’t willing to join in those mean practices towards other girls, I was fairly nice to everyone. I guess that confirms that if you aren’t the hunter, then you become the hunted. Things dramatically improved in high school, those were my best years. But then in college, I started a bad habit of becoming the “doormat friend”. I’m sure you all know someone like this. Basically I became a doormat for strong female personalities who called me a friend so they could use me. Sure, I had some great times with these girls, but they were the types that were emotionally abusive whenever they needed to let loose on someone…regardless of whether I had anything to do with it. I have since learned to avoid those toxic relationships, and made the decision to eliminate those few remaining ones from my life over the past few years.
But all that said, I think those years of trying so hard to fit in has forever changed me. I now recognize that I tend to try too hard to be liked by those I respect most; trying to prove my value and friendship, often with a paralyzing fear of rejection. I get frightened when I go too long without hearing back from a friend…I wonder what I might have done, and worry that I probably upset them. I reevaluate every conversation we had the days before to try and analyze what I did wrong. I’m sure that's because I was a doormat friend for so long. Sadly, I have gone the same route with relationships over the years, wondering what I did to make him not like me…..I know, I am messed up! But there is good news….
The good news is – I am finally catching on! I can now recognize when I’m being overly sensitive to not being invited somewhere, or overly paranoid when not hearing back from a friend. I have realized that friendships change, and you can’t make room for healthy ones, until you rid your life of the toxic ones. I am grateful now to have a great group of friends, and a loving husband. All who love and accept me for who I am.
All that said, I still have my days where I may worry too much or feel hurt because I was left out. Those are just the days where the 12-year-old in me can’t help but emerge. It makes me wonder – maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe we need to remember who we were back then and realize how deeply we were impacted during those times. Perhaps only by recognizing and reliving those feelings, can we truly learn how to move on and grow spiritually.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My New Mantra
Why do we do it to ourselves? Taking life too fast, working too hard, worrying unnecessarily and wearing ourselves thin in the process. I used to think I was immune to stress 99% of the time. I found out this week however, that I was in denial.
I have literally made myself miserable with stress this week. Despite normally being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat (or at an Iowa game- as Eric can attest to), I have had a terrible time sleeping this week! I can’t turn my mind off. I toss and turn; every little thing wakes me up. Then the next day I’m already tired and worn down and just start the process over. In addition, I have had terrible body aches. Last night I came home feeling like a 90-year-old woman who was just dropped off the back of a moving train. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I was miserable! And not only does this stress manifest itself physically – but emotionally. I had to face it….I have not been much fun to live with this last week!
Finally yesterday, I lost it. Thank God I’m a woman, because crying can create a euphoric release of those toxic emotions. But I also had an epiphany in the process. I realized how hard I was trying and worrying about everything, despite the fact that they were things I had no control over, which was making me try even harder. I was anguishing over the things that are completely out of my reach – including when and if our house will sell, if we’ll sell it in time to buy the one we really want, if that offer would even go through, if that’s the right decision, etc. I have also been obsessing over our efforts to add a little one to our family; what I am doing right and wrong each day; worrying about if this will be the day we can get some results, drugs, tests and instructions, and the slight chance that all of it might not work. It just shouldn’t be that hard! And don’t forget the burden of emotional weight all of those worries and efforts carry with them….it is literally overwhelming. Everything in my life right now is out of my control despite my best intentions and hard work, and that is one thing I am not used to.
Thankfully, I am now aware of how naïve I’ve been to think that worrying over these items will somehow help them resolve quicker or with the right results. Of all the talking I do about having faith that things will work out, I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching on a day-to-day basis. After much self review, I have decided to make a conscious effort to tell myself "just let it go". I can’t worry myself sick over whether things will or won’t work out. At some point, I need to acknowledge that I’m doing all I can to make it happen – but then, let it go. I need to continue to make the most out of each day, and be happy with the here and now. Only by learning when to let it go will I truly be able to see that things will work themselves out eventually, without any excessive loss of sleep on my part. Can you tell what my new mantra is? Let's hope it works!
I have literally made myself miserable with stress this week. Despite normally being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat (or at an Iowa game- as Eric can attest to), I have had a terrible time sleeping this week! I can’t turn my mind off. I toss and turn; every little thing wakes me up. Then the next day I’m already tired and worn down and just start the process over. In addition, I have had terrible body aches. Last night I came home feeling like a 90-year-old woman who was just dropped off the back of a moving train. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I was miserable! And not only does this stress manifest itself physically – but emotionally. I had to face it….I have not been much fun to live with this last week!
Finally yesterday, I lost it. Thank God I’m a woman, because crying can create a euphoric release of those toxic emotions. But I also had an epiphany in the process. I realized how hard I was trying and worrying about everything, despite the fact that they were things I had no control over, which was making me try even harder. I was anguishing over the things that are completely out of my reach – including when and if our house will sell, if we’ll sell it in time to buy the one we really want, if that offer would even go through, if that’s the right decision, etc. I have also been obsessing over our efforts to add a little one to our family; what I am doing right and wrong each day; worrying about if this will be the day we can get some results, drugs, tests and instructions, and the slight chance that all of it might not work. It just shouldn’t be that hard! And don’t forget the burden of emotional weight all of those worries and efforts carry with them….it is literally overwhelming. Everything in my life right now is out of my control despite my best intentions and hard work, and that is one thing I am not used to.
Thankfully, I am now aware of how naïve I’ve been to think that worrying over these items will somehow help them resolve quicker or with the right results. Of all the talking I do about having faith that things will work out, I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching on a day-to-day basis. After much self review, I have decided to make a conscious effort to tell myself "just let it go". I can’t worry myself sick over whether things will or won’t work out. At some point, I need to acknowledge that I’m doing all I can to make it happen – but then, let it go. I need to continue to make the most out of each day, and be happy with the here and now. Only by learning when to let it go will I truly be able to see that things will work themselves out eventually, without any excessive loss of sleep on my part. Can you tell what my new mantra is? Let's hope it works!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Is Bigger Really Better?
We listed our house for sale this week, which has overwhelmed me with mixed emotions. Our little house has been ours as a couple since we moved in April 1, 2006. We love it here. We (and the dogs) love the yard and the newly remodeled Iowa Hawkeye basement! And for me – this is the first place I have ever truly felt HOME since I was a kid. Pretty sad, but this is the first place I have stayed at for more than 2 years, since 2001 or before! This house has not just been a fantastic place to settle in every night, it is a home because of the family that I share it with. Sadly though, our house is a “cute little” house. Four people and one bathroom does not work well during bouts of the flu as noted this winter. And the lack of a garage gets real old when you are carrying in groceries in the rain or looking for someplace to store your patio furniture in the winter. So despite all of the love our family has for this house – we need something bigger.
Eric and I are excited about this possible move, because it is starting a new chapter for us. In addition to that, the reason for the bigger house is primarily because we are still working on creating a bigger family. We have been waiting so long and trying so hard, but I’m conscious of the fact that none of this is up to us. Despite our best efforts, it is all ultimately in God’s hands.
The best things that have happened in my life have come about without any effort or strife on my part. Take for example this great job I have. I had applied to Principal about…oh…15 times when I was living in Cedar Rapids. But that one little phone call for an interview for this job in Des Moines came just 2 short months after I filed for divorce and told my parents how badly I just wanted “a fresh start.” That was God’s hand. There are many examples like that in my life – where when I look back and see how great things worked out, I realize it had nothing to do with me or my decisions. So I am putting my faith in God on this transition in our life as well. If now is the right time for our family to “go bigger”, then I know it will happen. Otherwise, we are lucky to be very happy right where we are now.
Eric and I are excited about this possible move, because it is starting a new chapter for us. In addition to that, the reason for the bigger house is primarily because we are still working on creating a bigger family. We have been waiting so long and trying so hard, but I’m conscious of the fact that none of this is up to us. Despite our best efforts, it is all ultimately in God’s hands.
The best things that have happened in my life have come about without any effort or strife on my part. Take for example this great job I have. I had applied to Principal about…oh…15 times when I was living in Cedar Rapids. But that one little phone call for an interview for this job in Des Moines came just 2 short months after I filed for divorce and told my parents how badly I just wanted “a fresh start.” That was God’s hand. There are many examples like that in my life – where when I look back and see how great things worked out, I realize it had nothing to do with me or my decisions. So I am putting my faith in God on this transition in our life as well. If now is the right time for our family to “go bigger”, then I know it will happen. Otherwise, we are lucky to be very happy right where we are now.
In the meantime if you happen to know of anyone needing a great little starter house, be sure to let me know!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
My Perfect Complement
Complement - Something that completes, makes up a whole, or brings to perfection.
Everyone knows I am an avid Dr. Phil fan – so I might as well fess up to it publically now. I love his common sense mentality in approaching difficult topics. Well yesterday was a very interesting show about a couple who has been married only 5 months, and were ready to divorce. They said they fought 2-3 times a day. These fights caught on tape were hideous, hurtful and belittling fights! I was amazed at the disrespect shown to each other, and the threats of divorce over and over. In my opinion, if you want out that bad, then you better just follow true on your threats and leave.
Watching that couple fight reminded me of how grateful I am that I divorced my first husband. Just like this couple on TV, we would fight all the time, about big things and little things…or nothing at all. We would do anything we could to hurt each other, in the hopes of having “the upper hand” or “winning”. I would often nag or pick a fight because of my own unhappiness. He would often start it by being controlling, jealous or beligerent-drunk. Most nights, we were better off (and happier) to be in separate rooms. We were like oil and water – we just didn’t mix.
In talking with a friend the other day, I realized how I thought the person you choose to be your partner will either complement you or drag you down. Your spouse or significant other can make you a better person by supporting you and complementing your best qualities, or they will enhance all of your bad qualities, provoke you and get you roped into and negative way of life. You may not realize it yourself, but I bet if your friends and family were honest with you – they could pinpoint the exact ways your spouse either enhances you, or detracts from you as a person.
I am grateful I experienced my first marriage, so I am able to recognize how great my marriage to Eric truly is. He makes me a better person, supports and encourages me, while allowing me to be myself. I can only hope I do the same for him. We can communicate our feelings of hurt or concern, without screaming insults and obscenities at each other. We are great support for each others weaknesses.
As Dr. Phil says, the best way to be a support to your partner is to to wake up every day and think “How can I make his/her life better today?” No matter what the answer to that question is, I agree that if both people can embrace that way of thinking – you will make each others lives so much more enjoyable.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Hibernating...
Wow, it is amazing how often I think of moving to Arizona in the middle of Iowa winters. Eric and I talk about it on days like yesterday; how we will retire there regardless of where the children and grandchildren are….they will just have to come visit us in the desert! We can’t handle these inhumanely-cold temperatures!
So what else is there to do on these freezing, dark winter nights? Well, dress up your dogs and laugh endlessly of course! Poor Loki, he’s so tortured by his humans, but at least he’s a good sport!
So what else is there to do on these freezing, dark winter nights? Well, dress up your dogs and laugh endlessly of course! Poor Loki, he’s so tortured by his humans, but at least he’s a good sport!
In other news…..wait….there really isn’t any other news! In all reality, life since the holidays has been quiet. We have all been dragging ourselves up in the dark mornings to head to work and school, and coming home at night to hibernate. This weather definitely takes a toll on your body, mind and soul. It’s hard to get up in the morning when your bed is so toasty-warm! It’s hard to get motivated to leave the house or work during the day – for fear of the mind-numbing cold you’ll have to endure. And it’s especially hard to leave the comfort of your warm house after you’ve returned from work/school and the dark chill has descended once again.
During these less-than-thrilling days, I try to remind myself of what I have to look forward to. Primarily – spring. But beyond that, we decided to try and plan a trip to Germany this year to see my brother and his family. Obviously we don’t know what circumstances may arise this year, but if possible, we want to take 10 days and go visit. The thought of returning to Europe and getting to see my dearly-missed nephews gets me so excited that I completely forget my fingers and toes have gone numb.
In the meantime, I keep plugging away at each day. I know that each one is still a blessing, no matter how cold it may be. But I remind myself that there are better, brighter and warmer days ahead!
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