I read a quote today that struck me, so I thought I'd share:
"I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us."
Late Sunday night or early Monday morning - when we are all dreading starting a new week - it is good to remember that each day is a gift, so enjoy it! Sitting up late at night and stewing about what may happen in the coming days and weeks, wont' do us any good....but may make cowards of us.
I am glad that brought me a little peace today.
Happy Monday to everyone!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Overcoming my doormat tendencies
I have come to realize over the past few years that I am a total schoolgirl at heart. I don’t mean in terms of enjoying wearing dresses, makeup and girly things like that but I’m a girl at HEART. Since I was very young and playing in the sandbox with the neighbor kids, I have been a vulnerable girl trying so hard to fit in somewhere. I wore my heart on my sleeve, was (and still am) very sensitive, and also very easily hurt.
The best example is how I have always been the type that hates being left out. I thought I would have grown out of that long ago….but I haven’t. I get very easily hurt when I’m not invited to get together with friends, even if it’s the tiniest moment of two friends that meet for coffee, I always second guess “why didn’t they invite me?” I’m sure it ties to some insecurity on my part. But for me, it also stems from painful memories of the past.
As most girls probably did, I had a rough time trying to fit in during junior high, and was often picked on, talked about behind my back, and sometimes straight-up targeted for ridicule. Maybe it was because I wasn’t willing to join in those mean practices towards other girls, I was fairly nice to everyone. I guess that confirms that if you aren’t the hunter, then you become the hunted. Things dramatically improved in high school, those were my best years. But then in college, I started a bad habit of becoming the “doormat friend”. I’m sure you all know someone like this. Basically I became a doormat for strong female personalities who called me a friend so they could use me. Sure, I had some great times with these girls, but they were the types that were emotionally abusive whenever they needed to let loose on someone…regardless of whether I had anything to do with it. I have since learned to avoid those toxic relationships, and made the decision to eliminate those few remaining ones from my life over the past few years.
But all that said, I think those years of trying so hard to fit in has forever changed me. I now recognize that I tend to try too hard to be liked by those I respect most; trying to prove my value and friendship, often with a paralyzing fear of rejection. I get frightened when I go too long without hearing back from a friend…I wonder what I might have done, and worry that I probably upset them. I reevaluate every conversation we had the days before to try and analyze what I did wrong. I’m sure that's because I was a doormat friend for so long. Sadly, I have gone the same route with relationships over the years, wondering what I did to make him not like me…..I know, I am messed up! But there is good news….
The good news is – I am finally catching on! I can now recognize when I’m being overly sensitive to not being invited somewhere, or overly paranoid when not hearing back from a friend. I have realized that friendships change, and you can’t make room for healthy ones, until you rid your life of the toxic ones. I am grateful now to have a great group of friends, and a loving husband. All who love and accept me for who I am.
All that said, I still have my days where I may worry too much or feel hurt because I was left out. Those are just the days where the 12-year-old in me can’t help but emerge. It makes me wonder – maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe we need to remember who we were back then and realize how deeply we were impacted during those times. Perhaps only by recognizing and reliving those feelings, can we truly learn how to move on and grow spiritually.
The best example is how I have always been the type that hates being left out. I thought I would have grown out of that long ago….but I haven’t. I get very easily hurt when I’m not invited to get together with friends, even if it’s the tiniest moment of two friends that meet for coffee, I always second guess “why didn’t they invite me?” I’m sure it ties to some insecurity on my part. But for me, it also stems from painful memories of the past.
As most girls probably did, I had a rough time trying to fit in during junior high, and was often picked on, talked about behind my back, and sometimes straight-up targeted for ridicule. Maybe it was because I wasn’t willing to join in those mean practices towards other girls, I was fairly nice to everyone. I guess that confirms that if you aren’t the hunter, then you become the hunted. Things dramatically improved in high school, those were my best years. But then in college, I started a bad habit of becoming the “doormat friend”. I’m sure you all know someone like this. Basically I became a doormat for strong female personalities who called me a friend so they could use me. Sure, I had some great times with these girls, but they were the types that were emotionally abusive whenever they needed to let loose on someone…regardless of whether I had anything to do with it. I have since learned to avoid those toxic relationships, and made the decision to eliminate those few remaining ones from my life over the past few years.
But all that said, I think those years of trying so hard to fit in has forever changed me. I now recognize that I tend to try too hard to be liked by those I respect most; trying to prove my value and friendship, often with a paralyzing fear of rejection. I get frightened when I go too long without hearing back from a friend…I wonder what I might have done, and worry that I probably upset them. I reevaluate every conversation we had the days before to try and analyze what I did wrong. I’m sure that's because I was a doormat friend for so long. Sadly, I have gone the same route with relationships over the years, wondering what I did to make him not like me…..I know, I am messed up! But there is good news….
The good news is – I am finally catching on! I can now recognize when I’m being overly sensitive to not being invited somewhere, or overly paranoid when not hearing back from a friend. I have realized that friendships change, and you can’t make room for healthy ones, until you rid your life of the toxic ones. I am grateful now to have a great group of friends, and a loving husband. All who love and accept me for who I am.
All that said, I still have my days where I may worry too much or feel hurt because I was left out. Those are just the days where the 12-year-old in me can’t help but emerge. It makes me wonder – maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe we need to remember who we were back then and realize how deeply we were impacted during those times. Perhaps only by recognizing and reliving those feelings, can we truly learn how to move on and grow spiritually.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My New Mantra
Why do we do it to ourselves? Taking life too fast, working too hard, worrying unnecessarily and wearing ourselves thin in the process. I used to think I was immune to stress 99% of the time. I found out this week however, that I was in denial.
I have literally made myself miserable with stress this week. Despite normally being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat (or at an Iowa game- as Eric can attest to), I have had a terrible time sleeping this week! I can’t turn my mind off. I toss and turn; every little thing wakes me up. Then the next day I’m already tired and worn down and just start the process over. In addition, I have had terrible body aches. Last night I came home feeling like a 90-year-old woman who was just dropped off the back of a moving train. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I was miserable! And not only does this stress manifest itself physically – but emotionally. I had to face it….I have not been much fun to live with this last week!
Finally yesterday, I lost it. Thank God I’m a woman, because crying can create a euphoric release of those toxic emotions. But I also had an epiphany in the process. I realized how hard I was trying and worrying about everything, despite the fact that they were things I had no control over, which was making me try even harder. I was anguishing over the things that are completely out of my reach – including when and if our house will sell, if we’ll sell it in time to buy the one we really want, if that offer would even go through, if that’s the right decision, etc. I have also been obsessing over our efforts to add a little one to our family; what I am doing right and wrong each day; worrying about if this will be the day we can get some results, drugs, tests and instructions, and the slight chance that all of it might not work. It just shouldn’t be that hard! And don’t forget the burden of emotional weight all of those worries and efforts carry with them….it is literally overwhelming. Everything in my life right now is out of my control despite my best intentions and hard work, and that is one thing I am not used to.
Thankfully, I am now aware of how naïve I’ve been to think that worrying over these items will somehow help them resolve quicker or with the right results. Of all the talking I do about having faith that things will work out, I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching on a day-to-day basis. After much self review, I have decided to make a conscious effort to tell myself "just let it go". I can’t worry myself sick over whether things will or won’t work out. At some point, I need to acknowledge that I’m doing all I can to make it happen – but then, let it go. I need to continue to make the most out of each day, and be happy with the here and now. Only by learning when to let it go will I truly be able to see that things will work themselves out eventually, without any excessive loss of sleep on my part. Can you tell what my new mantra is? Let's hope it works!
I have literally made myself miserable with stress this week. Despite normally being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat (or at an Iowa game- as Eric can attest to), I have had a terrible time sleeping this week! I can’t turn my mind off. I toss and turn; every little thing wakes me up. Then the next day I’m already tired and worn down and just start the process over. In addition, I have had terrible body aches. Last night I came home feeling like a 90-year-old woman who was just dropped off the back of a moving train. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I was miserable! And not only does this stress manifest itself physically – but emotionally. I had to face it….I have not been much fun to live with this last week!
Finally yesterday, I lost it. Thank God I’m a woman, because crying can create a euphoric release of those toxic emotions. But I also had an epiphany in the process. I realized how hard I was trying and worrying about everything, despite the fact that they were things I had no control over, which was making me try even harder. I was anguishing over the things that are completely out of my reach – including when and if our house will sell, if we’ll sell it in time to buy the one we really want, if that offer would even go through, if that’s the right decision, etc. I have also been obsessing over our efforts to add a little one to our family; what I am doing right and wrong each day; worrying about if this will be the day we can get some results, drugs, tests and instructions, and the slight chance that all of it might not work. It just shouldn’t be that hard! And don’t forget the burden of emotional weight all of those worries and efforts carry with them….it is literally overwhelming. Everything in my life right now is out of my control despite my best intentions and hard work, and that is one thing I am not used to.
Thankfully, I am now aware of how naïve I’ve been to think that worrying over these items will somehow help them resolve quicker or with the right results. Of all the talking I do about having faith that things will work out, I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching on a day-to-day basis. After much self review, I have decided to make a conscious effort to tell myself "just let it go". I can’t worry myself sick over whether things will or won’t work out. At some point, I need to acknowledge that I’m doing all I can to make it happen – but then, let it go. I need to continue to make the most out of each day, and be happy with the here and now. Only by learning when to let it go will I truly be able to see that things will work themselves out eventually, without any excessive loss of sleep on my part. Can you tell what my new mantra is? Let's hope it works!
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