I have come to realize over the past few years that I am a total schoolgirl at heart. I don’t mean in terms of enjoying wearing dresses, makeup and girly things like that but I’m a girl at HEART. Since I was very young and playing in the sandbox with the neighbor kids, I have been a vulnerable girl trying so hard to fit in somewhere. I wore my heart on my sleeve, was (and still am) very sensitive, and also very easily hurt.
The best example is how I have always been the type that hates being left out. I thought I would have grown out of that long ago….but I haven’t. I get very easily hurt when I’m not invited to get together with friends, even if it’s the tiniest moment of two friends that meet for coffee, I always second guess “why didn’t they invite me?” I’m sure it ties to some insecurity on my part. But for me, it also stems from painful memories of the past.
As most girls probably did, I had a rough time trying to fit in during junior high, and was often picked on, talked about behind my back, and sometimes straight-up targeted for ridicule. Maybe it was because I wasn’t willing to join in those mean practices towards other girls, I was fairly nice to everyone. I guess that confirms that if you aren’t the hunter, then you become the hunted. Things dramatically improved in high school, those were my best years. But then in college, I started a bad habit of becoming the “doormat friend”. I’m sure you all know someone like this. Basically I became a doormat for strong female personalities who called me a friend so they could use me. Sure, I had some great times with these girls, but they were the types that were emotionally abusive whenever they needed to let loose on someone…regardless of whether I had anything to do with it. I have since learned to avoid those toxic relationships, and made the decision to eliminate those few remaining ones from my life over the past few years.
But all that said, I think those years of trying so hard to fit in has forever changed me. I now recognize that I tend to try too hard to be liked by those I respect most; trying to prove my value and friendship, often with a paralyzing fear of rejection. I get frightened when I go too long without hearing back from a friend…I wonder what I might have done, and worry that I probably upset them. I reevaluate every conversation we had the days before to try and analyze what I did wrong. I’m sure that's because I was a doormat friend for so long. Sadly, I have gone the same route with relationships over the years, wondering what I did to make him not like me…..I know, I am messed up! But there is good news….
The good news is – I am finally catching on! I can now recognize when I’m being overly sensitive to not being invited somewhere, or overly paranoid when not hearing back from a friend. I have realized that friendships change, and you can’t make room for healthy ones, until you rid your life of the toxic ones. I am grateful now to have a great group of friends, and a loving husband. All who love and accept me for who I am.
All that said, I still have my days where I may worry too much or feel hurt because I was left out. Those are just the days where the 12-year-old in me can’t help but emerge. It makes me wonder – maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe we need to remember who we were back then and realize how deeply we were impacted during those times. Perhaps only by recognizing and reliving those feelings, can we truly learn how to move on and grow spiritually.
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