Old Scars

Junior high was rough on me back in the day. Girls were mean, cliques were formed, wounds were made. I tried so hard to fit in - I tried too hard. I tried so hard to be friends with everyone and make everyone happy. In hindsight, it basically got me nothing but hurt and disappointment. I tried too hard to be liked by everyone, including the wrong people - only to be rejected in the end. I should have never tried so hard. I should have just been myself. Thankfully I finally learned that in high school.

As an adult, I've realized that I am a beautiful person. I am blessed to have an amazing group of friends who I'll carry with me to the grave, and who would do anything for me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. Those beautiful women are my friends because they like me for who I am. They gave me a chance....they put up with my good, bad and ugly and forgive me my faults. And the best part is - we communicate like adults when there are problems.

It's amazing to sit here and realize that I still carry the scars of rejected friendship that were made back in junior high, and some still feel fresh. I still try too hard sometimes to be liked or accepted, and I still hurt when I feel rejected or left out. And recently I've found myself surrounded by the topic of female friendships again. Most recently, a personal situation that hurt my feelings.

I had to take a deep breath, and remember that I'm no longer that awkward, prepubescent girl that needs to change to make friends and feel better about myself. I also don't want to be a part of any clique that goes around behind other women's backs say/do hurtful things. I've learned from past friendships, and I am a better person for it.


At the end of the day, we are all women, and we are all supposed to be there for one another. Thankfully I've finally grown enough to recognize the difference between those who are true, and those who aren't. My old friendship scars may never heal, but thankfully the true friends I do have make me realize what true friendship is.

For my son

As I sat in the car last night and looked at you in the rear view mirror, a barrage of thoughts flooded into my head. You sat there so serenely looking around; with your precious chubby cheeks and bright eyes. I couldn’t help but think of all of the things I wanted for you in this life.

I hope that you have a heart as big as your mommy’s and daddy’s, combined.

I want you to use that beautiful smile to brighten a room as much when you’re 40 as you do now.

I pray that God can help you find your way to Him, and open your heart to the world.

I hope you can find laughter in every day, and share it with others.

I want you to always have the courage to stand up and speak up for yourself, and others when needed.

I hope that you believe you can do and become anything you dream of – and I want you to dream big!

I don’t need you to be the most popular kid in school, but hope you are the one who goes to sit with the lonely kid by himself at the school lunch table.

I can’t prevent your heart from pain, but I hope that it does not make you calloused.

I hope you surround yourself with friends who love you for who you are, and recognize those who don’t.

I hope that you have a love of being with others, and not a feeling of anxiety.

I pray that you know what a miracle from God you are, and how you are loved more than you can ever imagine.

I will always be with you.

No guidebook!

The last couple weeks with Asher have made me realize that despite the number of baby books on sleep training, what to expect, the first year, etc., there is no manual on parenting. The books that are out there are just guidebooks. They aren’t going to tell you everything, and what they do tell you, may or may not be applicable to your child, who is beautiful and unique in their own fantastic way!

Asher has been a very happy, mellow, take it as it comes baby since birth. We have noticed it, family/friends have noticed it and even the daycare has noticed it. He smiles easily, is easy to entertain and is very social and loves being around people and other kids. But he has been struggling lately with ear infections, stuffy noses, trouble sleeping, and now this phenomenon known as the 4-month wakeful period. Unfortunately, none of this is in any of the books that I spent my hard earned money to buy, and put so much trust in while I was anxiously awaiting this mysterious miracle. Thank God for Google and the internet boards I use, such as BabyCenter.com and TheBump.com where I find a community of great women who have “been there and done that” and tell you what others won’t.

Basically, I have learned that there is no real right source of information for how to raise this beautiful baby. I continue to ask friends, compare to other kids, read the magazines, etc. But each source I go to provides a different answer. In reality, I thought the guidebooks would tell me everything I needed to know (I now realize how utterly naïve that sounds). But Asher is beautifully unique. That means, in his case, ear infections, spitting up 20+ times a day, and a few other issues we have to learn how to sort through that the books don’t cover, but it also means that he is a happy baby, loves to laugh, a great eater, and has already learned how to roll over! He will do his own thing and reach his own milestones when he chooses, he will throw curve balls and me and Eric as he sees fit, and he will continue to give me reason to throw the guidebooks right out the window – because they do not suit him.

I had heard it before it ever applied to me, but I am starting to realize the truth behind people saying that as a parent, you just continue to figure it out as you go. Asher provides me new joys every day, but also new challenges that I often don’t know how to handle. I will probably continue to struggle not to question whether I am handling everything right or wrong, or dealing with it the same way everyone else thinks would, but just do as I think is best and take it one day at time.

I’m his mommy, and it’s always going to be the best job in the world!

More important things to do

I downloaded a beautiful song named “Lullaby” the other day – and was so moved by it. One verse in particular had an impact on me…

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

This past Sunday afternoon among the hustle and bustle of our house, I took time out of the afternoon to slip into our dark, quiet, cool bedroom and lay next to Asher while he slept. There was so much to do…more laundry, more cleaning…more unimportant things. But at that moment, I chose to stay next to my angel and watch him sleep.

He is everything I’ve always dreamed of and never even knew I was missing. He is perfect in every way. His face so delicate, the way he holds onto my hand as he begins to close his eyes, the peaceful sound of his breath and he drifts to sleep knowing that I’m lying next to him. In that instant, that was the one and only thing I needed to do.

In that moment, I realized that I have missed so many of these moments. In four short months, he has grown and changed – and it feels like a blur. Maybe because I used to try so hard to get him to sleep, so I could lay him down and get more things done. Or sit him in his bouncy chair while he talked and smiled, while I felt the need to tend to dishes or check my email.

I began to cry. How could I have not realized the important moments I was missing to do such unimportant things? How could I choose to continue to bustle around, when I could be sitting there soaking up every second with him? I suddenly began to appreciate how fleeting these moments are, and how he’ll be all grown up before I know it.

I realize that not every day will allow me to sit and enjoy every single minute with Asher, but I want to hold that moment I shared with him this weekend, forever. Choosing to lay next to him, sharing a peaceful moment among a chaotic house full of other things that I thought were so important... it was the best thing I accomplished all weekend.

It made me appreciate what the true “needs” are of every day…to simply soak up every incredible smile, laugh and breath that he takes.

An 8-pound blessing

God’s power and blessings in my life continue to amaze me. On January 27, 2010, my miracle baby boy was born. Asher Robert was born weighing 8 pounds and 20 1/4 inches long. He is perfect in every way. We named him Asher because he was the eighth son of Jacob, and was promised a life blessed with abundance. We named him Robert after my dad, who is the best father anyone could ask for.

My life changed that day in ways I could never have comprehended. Yes it was challenging at first, and I didn’t know what I was doing. But thankfully some motherly instincts kicked in, and before I knew it, this beautiful boy had me wrapped around his tiny little finger. He is now three months old and changing every single day.

I thought I couldn’t do it, be responsible for another person, I thought I was too selfish… but I am doing it every day. I thought I’d miss my alone time, my freedom, or my eight hours of sleep, but I don’t. In fact, I want to spend nearly every moment of every day with him.

I hate to admit, I used to not understand why people talked about their kids all the time. I used to get annoyed at hearing how “life changing” having children was, especially when we were trying without success. It’s NOT like having nieces or nephews…or even step children. But....NOW I GET IT. It is a living, breathing part of your heart and soul. And I have found myself becoming one of those mothers who can’t help but brag about what adorable thing her kid did that day!

It is amazing how I am already a happier, more contended person with Asher in my life. He has given me a new purpose, and a much better understanding about what life is truly about. Now instead of worrying about how I want a new job or when I can buy a nicer car …I set out every day to make his days happy ones. I don’t see myself or Eric when I look into his eyes; he is his own little person. And yet, he is a miraculous combination of the love Eric and I have for each other. I stare at him with tears in my eyes every day, in awe at what an amazing creation he is, and humbled by the uninhibited happiness he brings into our lives.

It's true....most days I’m exhausted. I feel about 100 times busier than before he came, and I’ve gotten sick twice in the 3 short months he’s been around (probably from lack of sleep). And to be honest, there are times that I feel burned out. But I truly can’t imagine my life without him. It is a love that was unfathomable to me, until now. I cannot wait to see an amazing little boy he develops into… I look forward to every day.

He is and always will be, the most important thing in my life, and I already know that I’ll do anything for him. Thank God for this miracle, and choosing me to be blessed by it.