Do you ever have those days that make you think “what if”? What if you had gone to a different college? What if you hadn’t broken up with that boyfriend? What if you would have taken that job out of state? Sometimes I think about old friends I've lost touch with, opportunities I had, experiences that changed me, and decisions that pushed me in a different direction. I do a lot of pondering like that. I don’t do it to dwell on the past, but enjoy the memories and marvel at the amazing path my life has taken.
Most memories I think back on are good ones. I had a great childhood, good older brothers (even though they picked on me), amazing parents, a fantastic high school and college experience, etc. But spiced throughout those early years, I think back on things I would have and should have done differently. There were so many tears, too much "people-pleasing" in order to make friends, being afraid to stray too far from home and sticking with what was comfortable for me. Don’t get me wrong – I had some great successes! But in hindsight, I feel like there were times I should have grown up quicker, been stronger, not cared what people thought as much and thrown caution to the wind. The fact of the matter is, that just wasn't me.
It’s hard not to look back and think "oh, I wish I would have done that". Or to hear about someone I once knew and how successful they are, and reconsider the route I took. Then I wake up and realize that I’m being ridiculous to think such negative things. Perhaps it is just that old habit of being jealous that tends to creep in….I did too much of that in the past as well.
My reality is, I have a great life. I have made my fair share of poor decisions and mistakes – but ultimately I have come out on top. I have always searched for way to make myself better, help others more and expand the purpose of my life as a whole . There may continue to be times where I reflect upon what I could have done different, but ultimately I know there is nothing I should have done different, or I would not be where I am now. My parents comment that I am happier than they’ve ever seen me. What a huge compliment to that path I’ve taken in life – to be able to reflect my own happiness back into the lives of those around me. Ultimately, I want a life with memories - but no regrets - and so far I am doing great!
It’s been a sad few days of my life. My grandmother passed away on Saturday after a brief but brutal battle with cancer. She was a stubborn, tough, secretly caring and sometimes controversial part of my family’s life and we are saddened to see her leave us.
Being at her funeral and listening to the words spoken made me reflect on my own life. Seeing my family together in such a hard time created a surge of emotion. How amazing it is that we can all pull together in times of need. How sad it is that it mainly happens on holidays or funerals. Or even more, to think about how lucky I am that I’ve had very few funerals to attend so far in my life. I think about how many times I still have yet to sit in pews and mourn the loved ones and friends that will pass before me. Somehow I doubt it will get any easier, and it pains my heart to think about it.
It also made me think about the life people leave after death. How we look back and reflect about the person they were, and what we want to be remembered by? Is it the items in our home, the hobbies we had, or the person we were? My grandma had so many stories she never told anyone. She had an apartment filled with items that no one recognized or knew the history behind. She lived a very difficult life, and yet had trouble opening up to anyone to let them in or let them help. And yet, she had a chapel filled with family and friends, and people whose lives were somehow impacted by hers.
More than anything – this weekend made me realize how important it is to make an impact with the life God blessed us with. Whether it be through dedication and love to your family, time and money donated to a charitable cause, or setting a good example for everyone about how precious (and short) this gift of life is. We need to make the most of it, reflect on it, improve it and thank God for it.
Our time on this earth is temporary. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. What we choose to do with the middle part is up to us, the rest is not. We are at God’s mercy, and he is watching us, asking “what will you do with these gifts I have blessed you with, my child?”
I take comfort in knowing that the loved ones that have passed before me, were greeted at the gates of Heaven by the angels. I love to remember what the Bible says in Psalm 23:
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
Do you ever have those days that make you think “what if”? What if you had gone to a different college? What if you hadn’t broken up with that boyfriend? What if you would have taken that job out of state? Sometimes I think about old friends I've lost touch with, opportunities I had, experiences that changed me, and decisions that pushed me in a different direction. I do a lot of pondering like that. I don’t do it to dwell on the past, but enjoy the memories and marvel at the amazing path my life has taken.