Mommy Worries

I knew it was coming. I have been soaking in every possible minute I could leading up to this point, but still it seemed to fly past my eyes like a blink in time. And now, we’re here……the Terrible Three’s. For all you soon to be mom’s out there – take note! Babies are beautiful miracles to be in awe of and infinitely cherished. Ones are wonderfully-cuddly and filled with giggles and happiness. Twos are cute and fun watching them learn and develop little personalities. But threes are downright disturbing.


This motherhood journey so far has never been easy, and it’s been filled with worry from BEFORE we even became pregnant. Everyone was right when they said the worry never ends. With a child it’s now a permanent part of life. But the worry I feel now isn’t one for my son. I know he’ll grow out of this phase, and continue to have a loving, safe environment where he can grow, learn and excel. But my worry now is completely selfish: Am I handling these horrible temper tantrums right, or am I inadvertently creating a monster or emotionally damaging my son?

As Asher turns 3, I’m realizing that I feel borderline ill-equipped to handle what is about to come my way. I worry that I’m not doing the best job I should be as a mom. The irrational temper tantrums, the talking back just to see what I’ll do, the kicking/hitting and throwing things – all of it brings me to the brink of insanity in the moment when I’m clawing at trying to understand what happened to my adorable baby boy.

Up to this point, I’ve already tried to beg, bribe, scream, and spank my way to try to get him to come back to earth. And it’s shameful. Every moment I have following one of his tantrums is like a drunk, the morning after falling off the wagon. I’m filled with confusion, frustration and extreme regret as to how I handled it and what I should have done different. Thankfully – Asher is LONG past that tantrum and onto the next. But it always leaves me wondering how I’m going to handle the next one better – yet it seems like I never do.

But – have faith. I’ve bombarded the library with book reservations on toddler discipline, and Googled every search term I can think of that may provide answers. Truthfully, I know it’ll be another “do the best I can” situation. Just like every moment before in his life where I’ve asked myself, “how am I ever going to figure this out?”, this too shall pass and I know I’ll emerge on the other side a more seasoned mommy veteran, looking down at my ever-maturing little boy. (Hopefully I haven’t damaged him too much by then).

But in addition to questioning my parenting prowess, Asher’s pending birthday makes me ask myself one other terrifying question: How much longer before he’s not going to need me, or seek out my hugs and kisses?

The cliché answer is “he’ll always need you”. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably true. But the harsh reality is hitting me that he’s growing up and becoming more independent. He doesn’t always to rock-a-bye with mommy anymore, or run to me for comfort when he gets hurt. Now he gets up and puts on his brave face, and goes running back down the street behind the big kids. Away he goes. No need for mommy’s healing kisses, and no looking back to make sure mommy is coming to play too.

It makes me sad. He’s grown up too quickly, and is moving on to the next stage in his life – one in which mommy may not be his best friend and favorite playmate.

But – again, I have faith. I know that those moments where he DOES want to snuggle and rock in the chair will become few and far between, so when they do I’m going to savor every passing second. And the opportunities I have to tell him how much I love him and give him a big smooch without embarrassing him in front of his friends are going to be fully taken advantage of for as long as I can.

And if all else fails, I will continue to remind myself, that my goal is to help make him into a confident, independent, loving and successful man someday, and with each passing stage- I’m helping to create that beautiful man.

Hopefully one day he’ll make another woman as happy as he makes me. But until then, I’ll take the kisses wherever I can get them, and take comfort in knowing that I will always be his first love.

Blessings from God

On Friday, I had a breakdown. My dad was in the hospital, my mom wrecked the car, and my husband lost his job. I couldn’t be strong anymore, I felt defeated and I sobbed.

On Sunday we went to church. The tears streamed down my face as I prayed not only for my family, but for all those friends who were also enduring hardship, sickness and grief. I listened to the service with an open heart, on my knees emotionally and humbled by the power of God’s word and what he can do in my life if I remember to “give it to him”. I felt humbled and ashamed in front of God. Humbled facing sudden unexpected challenges; a reminder of God’s power. He is in control of everything, not us.

“And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.”  Deuteronomy 8:2

Ashamed because we were running along in life like so many of us do, collecting checks and buying things with little thought to what God wants us to do with what HE was providing for us. How naïve of me to think that that was our money! Everything we have is God’s. We are merely his servants blessed with those gifts to do God’s will. I hadn’t been ungrateful, but I had become arrogant in thinking that what I had in my life was mine.

“You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.” Deuteronomy 8:17-19

Today is a new day; yet the reality of what my family is facing continues to weave into my thoughts and plague my heart with worry. But today, instead of a breakdown, I had a breakthrough. Not only was God using this challenging time to awaken us to our ignorance and call us to Him, it was an reminder to appreciate the joy already in our life. There is joy in every day, but I had been missing it, blinded by my own agenda and selfish wishes for more than what I had been provided.

Everything I have is a gift from God: the ability to walk through the fresh crisp fall leaves, or the soft blankets I sleep under every night; watching my beautiful son sleep peacefully in his bed, or the comfort I find in my husband’s arms. There is SO MUCH joy in my life, my cup overflows. I had my blinders on – not appreciating all that I already had, and not sharing enough of it with others.

At this crossroads, this is where I stop to listen and give thanks. Listen to what God is asking of me. Thanks for awakening me to His power in my life. Thanks for reminding me that all I have is a gift from Him. Thanks for the blessings that have been poured upon me and the ability to share them with those around me. Thanks be to God.



"You're Having Only One?

"So when are you having another one?"     "Trying for number two yet?"   "When are you going to give Asher a little brother or sister?"    "What? Why just one?"

These are all questions I get on a weekly basis - when referring to the fact that Asher will be MY only child. Granted, many people don't know he's got two older brothers (my husbands boys from a previous marriage) but what is most disturbing is the fact that most people don't realize this simple question can be so hurtful.  What's wrong with just one?  Does that make me less of a mother, or our family less than a family?  Why do I feel like I'm on trial when I get that question and I better come up with a good excuse?

When we were newly-married we'd often get the "so when are you going to start a family?" type comment. It got to be so draining. People don't consider what you might be struggling with behind closed doors. I hear it all the time to friends and coworkers, and cringe every time.

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan. I wish I hadn't gotten married so young, just to waste nearly 7 years of my life on a failed relationship. I wish I could have met Eric sooner, I wish he didn't have the "baggage" that comes with marrying someone with a vicious ex-wife and two kids, I wish someone could have taught me how to be a step-mom before I became one......the list goes on. But I love my life and my ONE son, and wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I resent people assuming that somehow I'll be shorting him by not having another baby, or that I as a woman won't be totally fulfilled unless I keep breeding. And why so quick to discount the fact that he does have two older brothers who protect and love him like I've never seen. He may be my only child - but he's not an only child - and even if he were, why is that so taboo?

There are many days I do feel sad that I won't get to have another baby. But the memories are always raw. Those times sitting on my bathroom floor bawling over the 36th pregnancy test I'd just taken that was once again negative, or the excruciating pain I felt when I got the call that my pregnancy was "no longer viable". There were so many tears shed - and those memories serve to remind me to be grateful for what I have. I recall how I used to pray, "please Lord, let me at least have one I can call my own" and my prayers were answered. I thank God for him every single day - becuase there was a day I thought I'd never get to experience carrying a baby and being called "mom". And as my only son, he'll get nearly all of my attention.  He and I will have a special bond, a fantastic friendship, and get to experience so many things together.

Please take my story into consideration. So many of my friends and family have struggled with infertility.  Think twice before asking questions about when the next baby might be coming. Everyone's story is unique, and many are plagued with heartbreak. But one thing is for certain and needs reminding - having "only one" child isn't anything less than a total miracle.

Summer fun come - and almost gone!

It has been such a busy summer!  Where has the time gone!? I feel like there are so many more things we wanted to do! That said, we've had a blast spending time with family, traveling, grilling out, spending time with friends and neighbors and making the most of every minute. Asher loves being outside (unless it involves turning off Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and loves playing with anyone he can get his hands on.

Hanging with mommy in the garage

Who's excited to go to Adventureland!?

He gets the "map gene" from my dad and the bossy gene from me. So proud.

Fun on the carousel at Adventureland 

Asher started at the new Lil Scholars preschool downtown on Aug. 20.  It should be a better learning environment for him as he gets older and needs more of a school.

He came home from the first day and did this.  :)  that's a good sign I think!

We also continue to work wtih him on potty training.  We are trying hard not to push him, but encourage and reward.  Hopefully he'll get it mastered as he gets closer to 3 - but he does enjoy some of the perks now and then!



In contrast - I love these quiet moments with him. I love to teach him new things, and now that he's got an active imagination - listen to the stories he loves to tell.  Hopefully I can capture some of those on video soon. This one was a quiet Saturday morning  after breakfast (noted on his face) when a storm was rolling in.

He is so unpredictable these days. Which can be a bad thing, but the moments I notice include random kisses, stories about his brothers, little "I love you mommy" moments, random giggle fits, and his perception of the world around him.  Like yesterday when I told him I'd get him some chicken nuggets and fries for dinner and he replied, "YEAH! We have to go get some at Old McDonald's."  *insert mommy giggle*

Thank you for all the joy you bring to our lives Asher - I love you.

Finally up and running

(special thanks to my fellow blogger Shelby for making this post possible!)  :)

It has been so long since I posted, that I know I can't even attempt to catch up.  Asher is now officially 2.5 and keeping us on our toes!  I tell everyone he's practicing for his terrible 3's (I've heard 3 is worse than 2), although it doesn't help that he's breaking all 4 molars at the same time. Thankfully these are his last teeth to come in -  whew!   Ok - so here are some photos to share!

Having fun watering the flowers with Oma!

Asher did great on his first boating experience with Heather, Russ, and Sydney.  He loved jumping off the back of the boat into the water (with a life jacket and floation ring).  He must have done that 15 times or more. We were out there all day and other than getting tired, he never complained. What a great experience!

 He's definitely my boy if he loves strawberry sundaes!

These two are best buds....

How sweet is this picture, other than that silly binky in his mouth.  *sigh*. Thankfully it's only at bedtime, but once these last teeth come in - that thing's gotta go.  We talk about how it's only for babies, and his response earlier this week was, "But daddy, momma calls me her baby."  Thatta boy--- he's smart!

Now that I've got this program figured out again - look for more updates in the near future!



Tooting and giggling

I learn parenting lessons every day with Asher. Like not to use the phrase “one more time” if you are going to let him keep doing it over and over. Also to not believe him when he asks to do something “one more time.” Apparently the bigger lesson I need to learn is that I’m a huge pushover when it comes to things that make him happy.

A recent example: coming out of the library yesterday, there was a long handicap ramp that ran in two directions, up and around a corner. On the way out – Asher decided it’d be fun to start running it. So he ran up and around, and back down. And again. I began calling to him “Come on buddy, we gotta go!” (to which he ignored). So again, “Ok buddy, just one more time, then we gotta go”. (Those three little famous words.) Then it hit me like a brick – we didn’t really HAVE to go. We had no place to be, and his running wasn’t hurting – so why not let him run? So I did. I even got in on the fun by chasing him back and forth, making him squeal with glee. We did it about four more times, then I gently reminded him we should go get something to eat – and he quit running and came along willingly. I avoided a meltdown temper tantrum by giving him a little leeway to work on his own timeline. WHAT A CONCEPT! It kinda goes along with that “pick your battle” phrase, which I also try to practice regularly to save my own sanity. Who cares! It’s a good to let him do what makes him happy, as long as it’s not interfering with anything. After all – wouldn’t we ALL like to do more of what makes us happy?

On a different topic – I told myself I was going to write down more of the funny things he’s beginning to say, so I could look back and enjoy them down the road. Here is one from the other day. Hopefully I’ll remember to share these more often. Thank goodness this one took place in the car on the way home.

Asher: “Mommy – we go to the park?”

Me: “Maybe honey, we have to go home first so mommy can go potty.”

Asher: “mommy…..you have to toot?”

Me: (laughing uncontrollably) “What? Do I have to toot?!”

Asher: “Mommy have to go poo-poo?”

well, maybe it's not that funny to the rest of the world - but to me it was adorably hilarious.

He continues to be the best part of my day, every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for allowing me to be a mommy to one of His children.

 

Since I'm behind - a few videos for your amusement!

 

 

Lessons from my 2-year-old

I can't get over how much this crazy, wild 2-year-old makes me smile every day. It is amazing to not only watch his personality develop, but to watch him do things already, at such a young age, that make this momma so proud.

Best example today, his Kindermusik class has a ritual song at the end of every class, where all the kids learn to walk around and shake hands with one another as they say goodbye. I was amazed to stand back and watch Asher march around on his own and extend his hand to each and every 2-3 year old in the room confidently, and when getting to the 10-year-old mentally/physically disabled boy in our class, he never hesitated.

The tears well up in my eyes and it humbles me to realize the lessons HE continues to teach ME without even realizing it:

1) to love unconditionally
2) to have an open and kind heart
3) to not be afraid to show the world your passion
3) to be blind to physical differences we tend to judge by
4) to wake each day smiling and excited for what it may have in store

HE. IS. AMAZING. I am blessed beyond words to have this amazing little man in my life. I hope I can continue to be open to everything he has to teach me about life. After all, he sees it best through such pure eyes.

And I couldn't go without sharing one of the things Asher is most passionate about- music. It gives me such joy to hear him sing and watch him dance. And Jacks Big Music Show is one of the best for that!

Boys Night

It was just another Sunday night at the Kelderman house tonight.

My sweet, lovable 2-year-old

Talk about mood swings. I’m not sure what it is, but Asher tends to follow this odd, perhaps hormonal or molar-induced behavior pattern. He’ll be an angel for 2 weeks, then a bit fussy/needy for a week, then a week or so as an absolutely rotten, demanding 2-year-old terror that makes this mommy need a drink. Then it starts all over. I don’t understand it, but definitely develop anxiety around it, wondering when the next curveball will come. I’m sure it’s ultimately just life with a toddler, but hopefully it’s something he’ll grow out of so he can be his amazingly sweet-self 100% of the time (come on….. a mom can dream).

Regardless, I have been enjoying a wonderful week with my baby boy, and thought I’d make a list of all the little things he’s done/said lately, that just make me love him more with each passing minute.

• I love it that at his age, he already says “bless you” when I sneeze.
• I’m delighted when I hear him gently in the backseat of the car, singing along with his Kindermusik songs.
• I adore the moment I walk in the door at daycare, and he runs screaming over to me “mommmyyyyyy!!!” with a happiness that almost invokes tears from him and me!
• I find silly delight in his crazy, curly, sometimes out-of-control hair!
• My heart melts when out of nowhere, even if I’m sitting beside him, he’ll outstretch his arms and say “mommy, wanna come see me?”
• I giggle with glee when I watch him dance passionately around the house to whatever music might be playing.
• I take peace in listening to him breathe on the monitor when I go to sleep at night.
• I sit in delightful amazement when he says things like “I’m a stinker-pot.” Or my favorite, “mommy, you’re my sweetie pea.” (both names I call him).
• I soak up every moment where he’ll ask to rock-a-bye (even though he’s stalling going to bed) and will lay on my chest in a big bear hug and ask me to sing to him.
• I tear up when I get him in the car after school and he’ll say “I wanna go see my brothers!” He loves them so, and misses them when they’re not around. 
• I smile til my cheeks hurts when I hear his bold, infectious laugh when being tickled. It’s the best sound in the world.
• I selfishly love the fact that he has his favorite “moosey moose” lovey – it reminds me that he’s still my gentle, sweet, sensitive, loving baby boy.

The list could go on and on, and I take enjoyment just sitting here reminding myself of how absolutely wonderful my little boy is. He is and always will be the first thing I look forward to each morning, and the last thought in my head before I close my eyes. And if stories aren’t enough, here are his 2-year pictures to prove his adorableness.

He's definitely a big personality, for better or worse.  And I love every minute of it.

Asher turned 2!

I can't believe it- Asher is 2. We had a very busy weekend celebrating my brothers 40th birthday and Asher's 2nd! I bawled like a baby on the eve of his birthday as he asked to rock with him. I couldn't help it- he will always be my baby no matter how big he gets. So on to the happy pictures from his party! I will precede it by saying this boy is SO photogenic, but has an amazing ability to never, ever look at the camera! Oh well- he was a busy boy and was loving all the excitement (he especially loved it when the whole room sang to him!)