This motherhood journey so far has never been easy, and it’s been filled with worry from BEFORE we even became pregnant. Everyone was right when they said the worry never ends. With a child it’s now a permanent part of life. But the worry I feel now isn’t one for my son. I know he’ll grow out of this phase, and continue to have a loving, safe environment where he can grow, learn and excel. But my worry now is completely selfish: Am I handling these horrible temper tantrums right, or am I inadvertently creating a monster or emotionally damaging my son?
As Asher turns 3, I’m realizing that I feel borderline ill-equipped to handle what is about to come my way. I worry that I’m not doing the best job I should be as a mom. The irrational temper tantrums, the talking back just to see what I’ll do, the kicking/hitting and throwing things – all of it brings me to the brink of insanity in the moment when I’m clawing at trying to understand what happened to my adorable baby boy.
Up to this point, I’ve already tried to beg, bribe, scream, and spank my way to try to get him to come back to earth. And it’s shameful. Every moment I have following one of his tantrums is like a drunk, the morning after falling off the wagon. I’m filled with confusion, frustration and extreme regret as to how I handled it and what I should have done different. Thankfully – Asher is LONG past that tantrum and onto the next. But it always leaves me wondering how I’m going to handle the next one better – yet it seems like I never do.
But – have faith. I’ve bombarded the library with book reservations on toddler discipline, and Googled every search term I can think of that may provide answers. Truthfully, I know it’ll be another “do the best I can” situation. Just like every moment before in his life where I’ve asked myself, “how am I ever going to figure this out?”, this too shall pass and I know I’ll emerge on the other side a more seasoned mommy veteran, looking down at my ever-maturing little boy. (Hopefully I haven’t damaged him too much by then).
But in addition to questioning my parenting prowess, Asher’s pending birthday makes me ask myself one other terrifying question: How much longer before he’s not going to need me, or seek out my hugs and kisses?
The cliché answer is “he’ll always need you”. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably true. But the harsh reality is hitting me that he’s growing up and becoming more independent. He doesn’t always to rock-a-bye with mommy anymore, or run to me for comfort when he gets hurt. Now he gets up and puts on his brave face, and goes running back down the street behind the big kids. Away he goes. No need for mommy’s healing kisses, and no looking back to make sure mommy is coming to play too.
It makes me sad. He’s grown up too quickly, and is moving on to the next stage in his life – one in which mommy may not be his best friend and favorite playmate.
But – again, I have faith. I know that those moments where he DOES want to snuggle and rock in the chair will become few and far between, so when they do I’m going to savor every passing second. And the opportunities I have to tell him how much I love him and give him a big smooch without embarrassing him in front of his friends are going to be fully taken advantage of for as long as I can.
And if all else fails, I will continue to remind myself, that my goal is to help make him into a confident, independent, loving and successful man someday, and with each passing stage- I’m helping to create that beautiful man.
Hopefully one day he’ll make another woman as happy as he makes me. But until then, I’ll take the kisses wherever I can get them, and take comfort in knowing that I will always be his first love.
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