I’m normally pretty good about handling stress. I have been through a bit of it in my life – especially during my divorce nearly 4 years ago. I can very clearly remember the few instances where it has gotten the best of me. Four years ago, it was that initial feeling like I was “losing it”. I felt like the happy facade I tried so hard to keep in tact, was cracking. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, utter frustration, like I was watching my life spiral out of control with no way to stop it.
In comparison, the stress I feel in my life now is minimal. But the number of things I am worried about have reached an all-time high. I have tried my best to ignore it or assume that it would just go away – the stress has been building. I feel like I can handle one or two things at a time, but it is when things seem to snowball and feed off of each other that I begin to crack. What is stressing me out you ask? Well, not being able to see my good friends everyday anymore, and knowing the struggles they are having; failing at trying to sell a house that we are quickly outgrowing; taking every pill possible to try and trick my body into getting pregnant with no success; and detesting every minute of my job - where I’m constantly critiqued and scrutinized, only to wake up the every day and wonder if my position will be the next to go.
The best evidence of the impact this is having on me (without my apparent knowledge), is the comments people have made to me lately. In the last 2 days, I’ve heard things like, “You look stressed”, “You look like you could use a break?”, and “You need to relax!” Now although I don’t condone violence, comments like that ON TOP OF stress, are enough to make me flip out. But instead, it has made me realize that perhaps the stress in my life is finally getting the best of me. Despite my best efforts, it seems that no amount of sleep, Tylenol or alcohol can make things better.
So now I have to face the reality of it – the stress in my life has finally gotten the best of me. I have been a crab to everyone in my life in the past month, mostly myself. I am cracking and I’m not sure how much more I can take. In the past, I lean on friends and family during times like these – but when even those people are stressed or relationships are strained, then I guess I don’t know how to handle it. So now I turn to writing to release my feelings, as I often do. But I think this time, even writing won’t be enough.
What now? Not sure. Probably shed a few tears, probably try to talk myself into not worrying so much, and ultimately decide that things have to work themselves out in time. In the big picture, it seems ridiculous to be acting so victimized. I am still truly blessed.
2 comments:
Hugs to you. I'm thinking of you often and praying for you always. If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know. I love you! Ann
You seem to be religious and believe in God. I get that by the language you use in this blog. You should remember then that all of the hurdles in front of you are His way to test your faith in Him. You will clear them, but only if you allow yourself to put your entire trust in Him. Sure, they are probably things that most people would worry about, but if He wants you to lose something you will lose it, and if He wants you to gain something you will gain it. It's a choice it sounds like you have almost made....go for it completely, and your worries will dissipate. We may try and try, but ultimately we do not have the control we think we do.
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