In a Haze

Wow - it has been a rough few weeks! I feel like I am in a serious haze....like when you are staring out a car window, but not really watching anything. My eyes are glazed over and I'm seeing everything fly by, but am not alert enough to reconize it.

Principal laid off 550 employees on Tuesday. It was a dreadful day. Everyone knew it was coming, the air was thick, and people cowered at their desks wondering if they would be next. Two of my very good friends and confidants, were "let go". Actually, they were singled out, set up to fail, and eliminated based on personal biases, but what does that matter, right? I sat at my desk and heard the footsteps coming. They tapped on one person, then the next to say "do you have a minute?" I was shaking..waiting for the tap on my shoulder...a tap that never came. I still have a job, but it is one filled with resentment, disappointment and total lack of respect. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have survived. It's just the sense of survivers guilt and anger that make it difficult to get up and stay positive each morning.

Between the issues I've struggled with personally in the past few weeks, to the layoffs, to the realization that this team, this job I had come to love and respect has all but disappeared - I just don't know what to do with myself. The economy is finally hitting home for so many of us. Even I am working 2 jobs to allow ourselves a little extra cushion to be able to afford something fun now and then - otherwise we would be scraping by like so many others. It's so hard to see people like myself and my friends work our tails off, follow the rules, try harder, jump higher and never ask why or what's in it for me - only to be eliminated in the long run. What devastation.

Ultimately, we need to look at what we have. Good friends and family...that is what will see us through the worst of times. I love my friends deeply and not sure what my life will be like when I don't get to wake up every day to come to work and enjoy their company. Obviously, nothing will get in the way of the friendships we have built......but it sure makes me sad that my environment as I know it has been permanently scarred.