When they are your own children, you get to feel the joy of creating them, having them, knowing they are part of you. You have the ability to nuture them, gradually learn about them and watch them grow into what you hope them to be. I'm positive it's not without its challenges and times of bewilderment, but what a beautiful experience that must be! I hope I can experience it someday.
Stepparenting is different. It requires creating a bond with children you don't know. It requires a strong backbone with a delicate, soft tone of voice. As a stepmom in particular, you are expected to have a more active role and involvement in the care-taking of your stepchildren. As a childless stepmom, you need to have a motherly instinct on how to handle situations, despite having never had children of your own. You must always tread lightly, and be careful not to overstep your bounds - after all, you aren't their parent. You need to be sensitive and compassionate in every situation - even if it's foreign to you. You need to enforce rules and yet be a friend. You have an investment in caring about these children, but you don't always get a 'voice at the table.'
As a stepmom, you also add on the feelings of anger and resentment toward the ex, who comes with this package. You may even feel jealousy in the fact that they will be bonded to your spouse forever because of these children. There is a sense of loyalty between them that cannot be broken by you. In fact, you are just added to the mix. You often may feel like a third wheel, either between your spouse and his ex, or your spouse and his children.
Too many families also deal with a parent that does not contribute, putting you, as a stepparent, in the position of doing more than they ever will. Parents should be the caretakers, they should provide for their children. But what if the ex doesn't? Then once again it is up to you, not just in child support, but in helping raise these kids right. After all, no one wants to see kids go without the opportunities we all had as kids. It's sad to see how many kids are put in that situation. They miss out on so many experiences because they are constantly shuttled between houses, getting caught in he said-she said divorces, and struggling to figure out why rules are different at each house.
My mom was a stepchild, it was a very difficult situation for her. Thankfully, she was blessed with an amazing dad and a loving stepmom. I never truly appreciated that until I became a stepmom myself. What a huge impact you can have on a child's life by being a stepmom! It brings a smile to my face that I can provide experiences, feelings and opportunities for these kids that they would not have otherwise gotten. I can strive to be a better listening, provider and teacher. I can learn from them just as much as they can learn from me.
I can say from personal experience, that being a stepmom has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I said to myself in the beginning "I love kids, I have several nieces and nephews!" But I was joking myself. It is radically different to be fully invested in a child's life - children that are put in your care, even though they aren't yours. There have been times of frustration, feelings of isolation, lack of privacy, utter helplessness, anger, resentment and even jealousy at times. You may think that is terrible, but is it? Do new parents go through the same thing adjusting to a new baby? I can say that every trial I've been through as a new step-mom has made me a better person and hopefully a better parent. The other side of things is even better. It is the amazing feeling of being invited to become a new family, joy in seeing smiles I bring to their face, kisses and hugs I get as they run in the door, and the most adorable pictures and poems they write about our family that I put on the fridge.
I'm blessed to be a stepmom. It brings new challenges each day, but also amazing opportunities to grow as a person and be a crucial part of their lives. I'm also blessed to have a supportive husband, who somehow manages to find a balance between the dedication to his children and the struggles I go through as a new stepmom. I trust that I will continue to get better with each passing year, and maybe someday even have children of my own. Then I can experience the feelings of a parent from the beginning. But in the meantime, I will continue through the tears and the triumph of being a very important stepmom to two wonderful boys.
1 comment:
I fully understand everything you said. It is so very hard adjusting to a child (or children) that is (are) not yours. It gets so frustrating because your spouse doesn't realize all that you have to go through and they never will fully understand. It's also hard because you are expected to provide for them, feed them, nurture them, but you basically have no say in any decisions for them. You have to leave that up to mom and dad. It is so very frustrating and I feel your pain immensely.
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