Mommy Worries

I knew it was coming. I have been soaking in every possible minute I could leading up to this point, but still it seemed to fly past my eyes like a blink in time. And now, we’re here……the Terrible Three’s. For all you soon to be mom’s out there – take note! Babies are beautiful miracles to be in awe of and infinitely cherished. Ones are wonderfully-cuddly and filled with giggles and happiness. Twos are cute and fun watching them learn and develop little personalities. But threes are downright disturbing.


This motherhood journey so far has never been easy, and it’s been filled with worry from BEFORE we even became pregnant. Everyone was right when they said the worry never ends. With a child it’s now a permanent part of life. But the worry I feel now isn’t one for my son. I know he’ll grow out of this phase, and continue to have a loving, safe environment where he can grow, learn and excel. But my worry now is completely selfish: Am I handling these horrible temper tantrums right, or am I inadvertently creating a monster or emotionally damaging my son?

As Asher turns 3, I’m realizing that I feel borderline ill-equipped to handle what is about to come my way. I worry that I’m not doing the best job I should be as a mom. The irrational temper tantrums, the talking back just to see what I’ll do, the kicking/hitting and throwing things – all of it brings me to the brink of insanity in the moment when I’m clawing at trying to understand what happened to my adorable baby boy.

Up to this point, I’ve already tried to beg, bribe, scream, and spank my way to try to get him to come back to earth. And it’s shameful. Every moment I have following one of his tantrums is like a drunk, the morning after falling off the wagon. I’m filled with confusion, frustration and extreme regret as to how I handled it and what I should have done different. Thankfully – Asher is LONG past that tantrum and onto the next. But it always leaves me wondering how I’m going to handle the next one better – yet it seems like I never do.

But – have faith. I’ve bombarded the library with book reservations on toddler discipline, and Googled every search term I can think of that may provide answers. Truthfully, I know it’ll be another “do the best I can” situation. Just like every moment before in his life where I’ve asked myself, “how am I ever going to figure this out?”, this too shall pass and I know I’ll emerge on the other side a more seasoned mommy veteran, looking down at my ever-maturing little boy. (Hopefully I haven’t damaged him too much by then).

But in addition to questioning my parenting prowess, Asher’s pending birthday makes me ask myself one other terrifying question: How much longer before he’s not going to need me, or seek out my hugs and kisses?

The cliché answer is “he’ll always need you”. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably true. But the harsh reality is hitting me that he’s growing up and becoming more independent. He doesn’t always to rock-a-bye with mommy anymore, or run to me for comfort when he gets hurt. Now he gets up and puts on his brave face, and goes running back down the street behind the big kids. Away he goes. No need for mommy’s healing kisses, and no looking back to make sure mommy is coming to play too.

It makes me sad. He’s grown up too quickly, and is moving on to the next stage in his life – one in which mommy may not be his best friend and favorite playmate.

But – again, I have faith. I know that those moments where he DOES want to snuggle and rock in the chair will become few and far between, so when they do I’m going to savor every passing second. And the opportunities I have to tell him how much I love him and give him a big smooch without embarrassing him in front of his friends are going to be fully taken advantage of for as long as I can.

And if all else fails, I will continue to remind myself, that my goal is to help make him into a confident, independent, loving and successful man someday, and with each passing stage- I’m helping to create that beautiful man.

Hopefully one day he’ll make another woman as happy as he makes me. But until then, I’ll take the kisses wherever I can get them, and take comfort in knowing that I will always be his first love.

Blessings from God

On Friday, I had a breakdown. My dad was in the hospital, my mom wrecked the car, and my husband lost his job. I couldn’t be strong anymore, I felt defeated and I sobbed.

On Sunday we went to church. The tears streamed down my face as I prayed not only for my family, but for all those friends who were also enduring hardship, sickness and grief. I listened to the service with an open heart, on my knees emotionally and humbled by the power of God’s word and what he can do in my life if I remember to “give it to him”. I felt humbled and ashamed in front of God. Humbled facing sudden unexpected challenges; a reminder of God’s power. He is in control of everything, not us.

“And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.”  Deuteronomy 8:2

Ashamed because we were running along in life like so many of us do, collecting checks and buying things with little thought to what God wants us to do with what HE was providing for us. How naïve of me to think that that was our money! Everything we have is God’s. We are merely his servants blessed with those gifts to do God’s will. I hadn’t been ungrateful, but I had become arrogant in thinking that what I had in my life was mine.

“You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.” Deuteronomy 8:17-19

Today is a new day; yet the reality of what my family is facing continues to weave into my thoughts and plague my heart with worry. But today, instead of a breakdown, I had a breakthrough. Not only was God using this challenging time to awaken us to our ignorance and call us to Him, it was an reminder to appreciate the joy already in our life. There is joy in every day, but I had been missing it, blinded by my own agenda and selfish wishes for more than what I had been provided.

Everything I have is a gift from God: the ability to walk through the fresh crisp fall leaves, or the soft blankets I sleep under every night; watching my beautiful son sleep peacefully in his bed, or the comfort I find in my husband’s arms. There is SO MUCH joy in my life, my cup overflows. I had my blinders on – not appreciating all that I already had, and not sharing enough of it with others.

At this crossroads, this is where I stop to listen and give thanks. Listen to what God is asking of me. Thanks for awakening me to His power in my life. Thanks for reminding me that all I have is a gift from Him. Thanks for the blessings that have been poured upon me and the ability to share them with those around me. Thanks be to God.



"You're Having Only One?

"So when are you having another one?"     "Trying for number two yet?"   "When are you going to give Asher a little brother or sister?"    "What? Why just one?"

These are all questions I get on a weekly basis - when referring to the fact that Asher will be MY only child. Granted, many people don't know he's got two older brothers (my husbands boys from a previous marriage) but what is most disturbing is the fact that most people don't realize this simple question can be so hurtful.  What's wrong with just one?  Does that make me less of a mother, or our family less than a family?  Why do I feel like I'm on trial when I get that question and I better come up with a good excuse?

When we were newly-married we'd often get the "so when are you going to start a family?" type comment. It got to be so draining. People don't consider what you might be struggling with behind closed doors. I hear it all the time to friends and coworkers, and cringe every time.

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan. I wish I hadn't gotten married so young, just to waste nearly 7 years of my life on a failed relationship. I wish I could have met Eric sooner, I wish he didn't have the "baggage" that comes with marrying someone with a vicious ex-wife and two kids, I wish someone could have taught me how to be a step-mom before I became one......the list goes on. But I love my life and my ONE son, and wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I resent people assuming that somehow I'll be shorting him by not having another baby, or that I as a woman won't be totally fulfilled unless I keep breeding. And why so quick to discount the fact that he does have two older brothers who protect and love him like I've never seen. He may be my only child - but he's not an only child - and even if he were, why is that so taboo?

There are many days I do feel sad that I won't get to have another baby. But the memories are always raw. Those times sitting on my bathroom floor bawling over the 36th pregnancy test I'd just taken that was once again negative, or the excruciating pain I felt when I got the call that my pregnancy was "no longer viable". There were so many tears shed - and those memories serve to remind me to be grateful for what I have. I recall how I used to pray, "please Lord, let me at least have one I can call my own" and my prayers were answered. I thank God for him every single day - becuase there was a day I thought I'd never get to experience carrying a baby and being called "mom". And as my only son, he'll get nearly all of my attention.  He and I will have a special bond, a fantastic friendship, and get to experience so many things together.

Please take my story into consideration. So many of my friends and family have struggled with infertility.  Think twice before asking questions about when the next baby might be coming. Everyone's story is unique, and many are plagued with heartbreak. But one thing is for certain and needs reminding - having "only one" child isn't anything less than a total miracle.

Summer fun come - and almost gone!

It has been such a busy summer!  Where has the time gone!? I feel like there are so many more things we wanted to do! That said, we've had a blast spending time with family, traveling, grilling out, spending time with friends and neighbors and making the most of every minute. Asher loves being outside (unless it involves turning off Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and loves playing with anyone he can get his hands on.

Hanging with mommy in the garage

Who's excited to go to Adventureland!?

He gets the "map gene" from my dad and the bossy gene from me. So proud.

Fun on the carousel at Adventureland 

Asher started at the new Lil Scholars preschool downtown on Aug. 20.  It should be a better learning environment for him as he gets older and needs more of a school.

He came home from the first day and did this.  :)  that's a good sign I think!

We also continue to work wtih him on potty training.  We are trying hard not to push him, but encourage and reward.  Hopefully he'll get it mastered as he gets closer to 3 - but he does enjoy some of the perks now and then!



In contrast - I love these quiet moments with him. I love to teach him new things, and now that he's got an active imagination - listen to the stories he loves to tell.  Hopefully I can capture some of those on video soon. This one was a quiet Saturday morning  after breakfast (noted on his face) when a storm was rolling in.

He is so unpredictable these days. Which can be a bad thing, but the moments I notice include random kisses, stories about his brothers, little "I love you mommy" moments, random giggle fits, and his perception of the world around him.  Like yesterday when I told him I'd get him some chicken nuggets and fries for dinner and he replied, "YEAH! We have to go get some at Old McDonald's."  *insert mommy giggle*

Thank you for all the joy you bring to our lives Asher - I love you.

Finally up and running

(special thanks to my fellow blogger Shelby for making this post possible!)  :)

It has been so long since I posted, that I know I can't even attempt to catch up.  Asher is now officially 2.5 and keeping us on our toes!  I tell everyone he's practicing for his terrible 3's (I've heard 3 is worse than 2), although it doesn't help that he's breaking all 4 molars at the same time. Thankfully these are his last teeth to come in -  whew!   Ok - so here are some photos to share!

Having fun watering the flowers with Oma!

Asher did great on his first boating experience with Heather, Russ, and Sydney.  He loved jumping off the back of the boat into the water (with a life jacket and floation ring).  He must have done that 15 times or more. We were out there all day and other than getting tired, he never complained. What a great experience!

 He's definitely my boy if he loves strawberry sundaes!

These two are best buds....

How sweet is this picture, other than that silly binky in his mouth.  *sigh*. Thankfully it's only at bedtime, but once these last teeth come in - that thing's gotta go.  We talk about how it's only for babies, and his response earlier this week was, "But daddy, momma calls me her baby."  Thatta boy--- he's smart!

Now that I've got this program figured out again - look for more updates in the near future!



Tooting and giggling

I learn parenting lessons every day with Asher. Like not to use the phrase “one more time” if you are going to let him keep doing it over and over. Also to not believe him when he asks to do something “one more time.” Apparently the bigger lesson I need to learn is that I’m a huge pushover when it comes to things that make him happy.

A recent example: coming out of the library yesterday, there was a long handicap ramp that ran in two directions, up and around a corner. On the way out – Asher decided it’d be fun to start running it. So he ran up and around, and back down. And again. I began calling to him “Come on buddy, we gotta go!” (to which he ignored). So again, “Ok buddy, just one more time, then we gotta go”. (Those three little famous words.) Then it hit me like a brick – we didn’t really HAVE to go. We had no place to be, and his running wasn’t hurting – so why not let him run? So I did. I even got in on the fun by chasing him back and forth, making him squeal with glee. We did it about four more times, then I gently reminded him we should go get something to eat – and he quit running and came along willingly. I avoided a meltdown temper tantrum by giving him a little leeway to work on his own timeline. WHAT A CONCEPT! It kinda goes along with that “pick your battle” phrase, which I also try to practice regularly to save my own sanity. Who cares! It’s a good to let him do what makes him happy, as long as it’s not interfering with anything. After all – wouldn’t we ALL like to do more of what makes us happy?

On a different topic – I told myself I was going to write down more of the funny things he’s beginning to say, so I could look back and enjoy them down the road. Here is one from the other day. Hopefully I’ll remember to share these more often. Thank goodness this one took place in the car on the way home.

Asher: “Mommy – we go to the park?”

Me: “Maybe honey, we have to go home first so mommy can go potty.”

Asher: “mommy…..you have to toot?”

Me: (laughing uncontrollably) “What? Do I have to toot?!”

Asher: “Mommy have to go poo-poo?”

well, maybe it's not that funny to the rest of the world - but to me it was adorably hilarious.

He continues to be the best part of my day, every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for allowing me to be a mommy to one of His children.

 

Since I'm behind - a few videos for your amusement!

 

 

Lessons from my 2-year-old

I can't get over how much this crazy, wild 2-year-old makes me smile every day. It is amazing to not only watch his personality develop, but to watch him do things already, at such a young age, that make this momma so proud.

Best example today, his Kindermusik class has a ritual song at the end of every class, where all the kids learn to walk around and shake hands with one another as they say goodbye. I was amazed to stand back and watch Asher march around on his own and extend his hand to each and every 2-3 year old in the room confidently, and when getting to the 10-year-old mentally/physically disabled boy in our class, he never hesitated.

The tears well up in my eyes and it humbles me to realize the lessons HE continues to teach ME without even realizing it:

1) to love unconditionally
2) to have an open and kind heart
3) to not be afraid to show the world your passion
3) to be blind to physical differences we tend to judge by
4) to wake each day smiling and excited for what it may have in store

HE. IS. AMAZING. I am blessed beyond words to have this amazing little man in my life. I hope I can continue to be open to everything he has to teach me about life. After all, he sees it best through such pure eyes.

And I couldn't go without sharing one of the things Asher is most passionate about- music. It gives me such joy to hear him sing and watch him dance. And Jacks Big Music Show is one of the best for that!

Boys Night

It was just another Sunday night at the Kelderman house tonight.

My sweet, lovable 2-year-old

Talk about mood swings. I’m not sure what it is, but Asher tends to follow this odd, perhaps hormonal or molar-induced behavior pattern. He’ll be an angel for 2 weeks, then a bit fussy/needy for a week, then a week or so as an absolutely rotten, demanding 2-year-old terror that makes this mommy need a drink. Then it starts all over. I don’t understand it, but definitely develop anxiety around it, wondering when the next curveball will come. I’m sure it’s ultimately just life with a toddler, but hopefully it’s something he’ll grow out of so he can be his amazingly sweet-self 100% of the time (come on….. a mom can dream).

Regardless, I have been enjoying a wonderful week with my baby boy, and thought I’d make a list of all the little things he’s done/said lately, that just make me love him more with each passing minute.

• I love it that at his age, he already says “bless you” when I sneeze.
• I’m delighted when I hear him gently in the backseat of the car, singing along with his Kindermusik songs.
• I adore the moment I walk in the door at daycare, and he runs screaming over to me “mommmyyyyyy!!!” with a happiness that almost invokes tears from him and me!
• I find silly delight in his crazy, curly, sometimes out-of-control hair!
• My heart melts when out of nowhere, even if I’m sitting beside him, he’ll outstretch his arms and say “mommy, wanna come see me?”
• I giggle with glee when I watch him dance passionately around the house to whatever music might be playing.
• I take peace in listening to him breathe on the monitor when I go to sleep at night.
• I sit in delightful amazement when he says things like “I’m a stinker-pot.” Or my favorite, “mommy, you’re my sweetie pea.” (both names I call him).
• I soak up every moment where he’ll ask to rock-a-bye (even though he’s stalling going to bed) and will lay on my chest in a big bear hug and ask me to sing to him.
• I tear up when I get him in the car after school and he’ll say “I wanna go see my brothers!” He loves them so, and misses them when they’re not around. 
• I smile til my cheeks hurts when I hear his bold, infectious laugh when being tickled. It’s the best sound in the world.
• I selfishly love the fact that he has his favorite “moosey moose” lovey – it reminds me that he’s still my gentle, sweet, sensitive, loving baby boy.

The list could go on and on, and I take enjoyment just sitting here reminding myself of how absolutely wonderful my little boy is. He is and always will be the first thing I look forward to each morning, and the last thought in my head before I close my eyes. And if stories aren’t enough, here are his 2-year pictures to prove his adorableness.

He's definitely a big personality, for better or worse.  And I love every minute of it.

Asher turned 2!

I can't believe it- Asher is 2. We had a very busy weekend celebrating my brothers 40th birthday and Asher's 2nd! I bawled like a baby on the eve of his birthday as he asked to rock with him. I couldn't help it- he will always be my baby no matter how big he gets. So on to the happy pictures from his party! I will precede it by saying this boy is SO photogenic, but has an amazing ability to never, ever look at the camera! Oh well- he was a busy boy and was loving all the excitement (he especially loved it when the whole room sang to him!)

Conversations, Binkies, and Santa Claus

It's hard to believe that Asher will be 2 in January!? But he is definitely practicing his manipulation skills and learning to let his emotions and frustration emerge. But it's fascinating to realize that he can now understand and respond to questions and statements like "how was your day?" I have already caught myself saying the ever famous, "use your words."

We have finally decided its time to get rid of the binky- so it just disappeared one night before bed. Now we knew it would be rough, but I wasn't prepared for the horrible, guilty emotions I would feel listening to him cry, and scream and plead his little heart out. There have been 3 nights of that, and one with surprisingly no crying, but he took an hour to put himself to sleep. He only asks for it occasionally now – and I tell him “it’s all gone honey, we gave it to the babies”. not sure if it helps, but we will try anything.

We went to see Santa last night for the second time. He was much less terrified this time, and actually sat on his lap. Although still a little uncertain, I said “tell Santa what you want for Christmas” and he looked at him and said “a tammamin” (spiderman). I had been prepping him, and he did great. Even thought about giving Santa a kiss on the cheek – but I think the beard scared him off – lol!

He is so fun these days, telling stories, mimicking and saying things he shouldn't. Makes me wonder how boring life would be without him. We are so blessed.

My understanding of "pride and joy"

It never ceases to amaze me how brilliant, funny and adorable my son is (if I do say so myself)! Not a day goes by that he doesn't say or do something that melts my heart, makes me laugh, or overwhelms me with pride until my eyes fill with tears; and yes, I am a total sap.

Some of my latest favorites:
- reading a dramatic point in one of his books, to which his response was "oh man!?". Maybe not amusing to you - but hilarious to me since I'd never heard him say it!
- wrestling and chasing each other around the house listening to his passionate and infectious giggle.
- teaching him his manners, to which he replies "puh-LEASE" or "tee-kooh".
- asking him how his day was only to be followed by a very long, energetic story after which the only word I understood was "play".
- trying to get him dressed while he was protesting, and he looks at me and shakes his finger and says "NO mommy!" to which I replied by laughing my ass off until he joined in at whatever was so funny.
- finally, taking him with his big brothers to go bowling, and watching the fascination as he watches, learns, and delights in his abilities. Not sure who was more proud, me or him!

He is the best part of every day, he is my passion and my obsession and I would do anything to make him happy.....which I'm sure he will figure out and manipulate soon, unless he already is??

Language Skills.....CHECK!!

Not sure how many of you watch Family Guy, but even if you don't, perhaps you've seen the commercial where the baby, Stewie, goes into his mom's room and repeatedly says her name until she screams "WHAT?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNkp4QF3we8

Well, that precious little boy of mine is practicing those techniques now that he is learning to master the art of language. He amazes me every day with the new things he has learned to say, like "knock it off" to the dog when he's doing something naughty, or asking Oma to "pull sleeve up" while he's trying to play with his toys. He is amazing. He has also figured out that other human beings have ears and can hear and most of the time understand what he's saying. Hence, if you don't respond immediately to his words, he will repeat it incessantly until you do. Typically it's things like "juice" or "more" but it can be anything. He also really loves to do it over top of other conversations - such as when you are on the phone.

But alas, he's still cute as hell and I love that he's smart as a whip. Another example: one morning recently when Oma was there helping us get ready for daycare, Asher was complaining because I put his juice in a normal sippy cup instead of his Cars sippy cup. It was one of those mornings when he'd ask for something, and if you got it for him, he'd just find something else to ask for. I haven't quite figured out why he does this. So I ignored his request for a different cup since it was about the 10th thing he wasn't satisfied with that morning. So he ran over to Oma pleading..."Cars cup Oma!" So I naturally laughed at how stinking smart he is to realize trying another person, and so I said, "Well, I see he has figured out who the sucker is around here...." to which Asher replied "Sucker? Sucker! Sucker!" and went running over to the drawer where I keep the Dum Dums. I laughed so hard, and continue to laugh as I think it over again.


He is so sweet, and smart, and fiesty - he's gotta be my kid! :) Anyway, although totally unrelated to the story above, here's the latest video. Enjoy!

Crazed Band Mom

I never used to understand moms. Most seemed ridiculous, over the top and fanatical. You know the type, the moms that walk around wearing the ugliest pseudo-letterman’s jacket that says “Band Mom” on the back; or the moms that try to reenact what their child said to them earlier in the day (mimicking the child’s voice) for your apparent amusement; and even the moms who you can’t hold a 2 minute conversation without somehow squeezing in an un-newsworthy comment about their kids latest escapade – like breakfast. What was wrong with them? Didn’t they realize how completely uninterested everyone is about whatever ridiculous story or drawing their kids produced? How did they let themselves get this far gone from reality?

My ahh-ha moment? The day my beautiful Asher was born. In a nano-second, his face was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, the squeaks he’d make were reason to call friends and family, and the daily conversations with everyone included lengthy stories on many hours he slept, or how detailed accounts of how many times (and what) he had spit-up that day. I had gone completely over the edge….but into what; ridiculousness? Nope. This was Motherhood.

Today, my crazy new-mom behavior has somewhat subsided. I no longer call my mom to have discussions on what the consistency of what the contents of his diaper were that morning (ok, sometimes I do, but not as often). But for the most part, I’ve discovered that these somewhat psychotic behaviors are part of this thing they call Motherhood. It amazes me the range of feelings, hopes and mind-set that it encompasses, majority of which I never knew were possible.

There are now so many things I do on a daily basis that would have made me cringe 5-10 years ago: wiping snot off my son’s face with my fingers, cranking Kindermusik tunes in the car and singing along - loudly, and even sacrificing a precious Saturday to pack into the Zoo, elbow-to-elbow with other child-crazed families, just to see him smile at the experience.

One thing is for sure, for all the extreme, irrational and sometimes disgusting behaviors that go along with this Motherhood thing – every single minute that I get to hear my son call me “mommy” is worth it 10 times over.

So basically, 12 years from now, I’ll see you in the stands at the football game. I’ll be the one wearing the jacket that says “Band Mom”.

Overwhelmed and undernourished

It's been a long day. I saw my Asher for about 15 minutes before I rushed off to work at 7am. It's 9pm and I just got home, and he's asleep. I've missed an entire day with him to enjoy being busy, stressed, rushed and overwhelmed. Ultimately, all I ever want to do is spend time relaxing with my family; so why do I get to do so little of that?? The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is knowing I'll get a little cuddle, smooching, playing and reading time with the best little guy on the block; true nourishment for my heart and soul! So on days like these where that time is virtually nonexistent, it makes me feel that much more overwhelmed and frustrates with the day; and life in general.

Thank God for the little things, the nourishment, in my life in the form of friends, family....and Asher. I'm fairly confident I would have been on the 10am bus to crazyville a long time ago if it weren't for the love and laughter they provide to help soothe my soul.

Bad mommy

I have come to the realization that I have been a bad mommy! I let nearly two years slip through my fingers, and I'm left looking at this beautiful baby boy (who's now a toddler) wondering where the time went? I have this terrible feeling of regret that I let it fly by in the blink of an eye, and I haven't written down the details of every single beautiful day I've been blessed to share with my beautiful son since he was born.

Better late than never I guess, so it's time to catch up! Here are a few photos from the past few months....

Asher 12-month photos

Asher just turned 20 months and this little boy's personality has emerged in full color! He has always been a talker (gee- I wonder which one of us he got that from) and amazes me every day with how smart he is! Whether it's words like "motorcycle" that he pronounces "pack-uh-pall" (not sure how he came up with that), or the stories he tells me from daycare like, "Lydia....pushin......down.....nice" which translates to the fact that his friend Lydia was pushing him and he fell down which was not nice. He truly loves to talk and tell stories! We even taught him to say "Go Hawkeyes" within 10 minutes of watching the first football game. Now, he says it very clearly and throws his hands up in the air excitedly when he does it (and seems to do it anytime he sees ANY football game on TV). *SNIFF* We are so proud.....

A few little facts about Asher this month:

• He loves to go get groceries or "go-shees"


• He has a very big personality, good and bad; and is definitely stubborn like his mommy/daddy.


• When he wants something, he repeats the word as many times as possible until you can't help but just give it to him....a technique that apparently works!


• He loves ice cream, and gets excited when I mention it. He sits on the couch with mommy, spoon in hand, to eat it right out of the carton!


• He loves to sing and has a talent for music! We sing a lot together, and are attending Kindermusik classes once a week, which he loves.


• He finally has hair! Unfortunately it hasn't grown in evenly. I call it his "Bozo" hair because he has the "Kelderman curls" around the sides and back, then it's sparse and straight on top. But he is truly an adorable little guy!

That's all for now. This is where I promise to update this blog more often - and I will! Hopefully it will be a great way for friends/family to catch up on what's new with Asher for the week! Thanks for reading!

Old Scars

Junior high was rough on me back in the day. Girls were mean, cliques were formed, wounds were made. I tried so hard to fit in - I tried too hard. I tried so hard to be friends with everyone and make everyone happy. In hindsight, it basically got me nothing but hurt and disappointment. I tried too hard to be liked by everyone, including the wrong people - only to be rejected in the end. I should have never tried so hard. I should have just been myself. Thankfully I finally learned that in high school.

As an adult, I've realized that I am a beautiful person. I am blessed to have an amazing group of friends who I'll carry with me to the grave, and who would do anything for me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. Those beautiful women are my friends because they like me for who I am. They gave me a chance....they put up with my good, bad and ugly and forgive me my faults. And the best part is - we communicate like adults when there are problems.

It's amazing to sit here and realize that I still carry the scars of rejected friendship that were made back in junior high, and some still feel fresh. I still try too hard sometimes to be liked or accepted, and I still hurt when I feel rejected or left out. And recently I've found myself surrounded by the topic of female friendships again. Most recently, a personal situation that hurt my feelings.

I had to take a deep breath, and remember that I'm no longer that awkward, prepubescent girl that needs to change to make friends and feel better about myself. I also don't want to be a part of any clique that goes around behind other women's backs say/do hurtful things. I've learned from past friendships, and I am a better person for it.


At the end of the day, we are all women, and we are all supposed to be there for one another. Thankfully I've finally grown enough to recognize the difference between those who are true, and those who aren't. My old friendship scars may never heal, but thankfully the true friends I do have make me realize what true friendship is.

For my son

As I sat in the car last night and looked at you in the rear view mirror, a barrage of thoughts flooded into my head. You sat there so serenely looking around; with your precious chubby cheeks and bright eyes. I couldn’t help but think of all of the things I wanted for you in this life.

I hope that you have a heart as big as your mommy’s and daddy’s, combined.

I want you to use that beautiful smile to brighten a room as much when you’re 40 as you do now.

I pray that God can help you find your way to Him, and open your heart to the world.

I hope you can find laughter in every day, and share it with others.

I want you to always have the courage to stand up and speak up for yourself, and others when needed.

I hope that you believe you can do and become anything you dream of – and I want you to dream big!

I don’t need you to be the most popular kid in school, but hope you are the one who goes to sit with the lonely kid by himself at the school lunch table.

I can’t prevent your heart from pain, but I hope that it does not make you calloused.

I hope you surround yourself with friends who love you for who you are, and recognize those who don’t.

I hope that you have a love of being with others, and not a feeling of anxiety.

I pray that you know what a miracle from God you are, and how you are loved more than you can ever imagine.

I will always be with you.

No guidebook!

The last couple weeks with Asher have made me realize that despite the number of baby books on sleep training, what to expect, the first year, etc., there is no manual on parenting. The books that are out there are just guidebooks. They aren’t going to tell you everything, and what they do tell you, may or may not be applicable to your child, who is beautiful and unique in their own fantastic way!

Asher has been a very happy, mellow, take it as it comes baby since birth. We have noticed it, family/friends have noticed it and even the daycare has noticed it. He smiles easily, is easy to entertain and is very social and loves being around people and other kids. But he has been struggling lately with ear infections, stuffy noses, trouble sleeping, and now this phenomenon known as the 4-month wakeful period. Unfortunately, none of this is in any of the books that I spent my hard earned money to buy, and put so much trust in while I was anxiously awaiting this mysterious miracle. Thank God for Google and the internet boards I use, such as BabyCenter.com and TheBump.com where I find a community of great women who have “been there and done that” and tell you what others won’t.

Basically, I have learned that there is no real right source of information for how to raise this beautiful baby. I continue to ask friends, compare to other kids, read the magazines, etc. But each source I go to provides a different answer. In reality, I thought the guidebooks would tell me everything I needed to know (I now realize how utterly naïve that sounds). But Asher is beautifully unique. That means, in his case, ear infections, spitting up 20+ times a day, and a few other issues we have to learn how to sort through that the books don’t cover, but it also means that he is a happy baby, loves to laugh, a great eater, and has already learned how to roll over! He will do his own thing and reach his own milestones when he chooses, he will throw curve balls and me and Eric as he sees fit, and he will continue to give me reason to throw the guidebooks right out the window – because they do not suit him.

I had heard it before it ever applied to me, but I am starting to realize the truth behind people saying that as a parent, you just continue to figure it out as you go. Asher provides me new joys every day, but also new challenges that I often don’t know how to handle. I will probably continue to struggle not to question whether I am handling everything right or wrong, or dealing with it the same way everyone else thinks would, but just do as I think is best and take it one day at time.

I’m his mommy, and it’s always going to be the best job in the world!

More important things to do

I downloaded a beautiful song named “Lullaby” the other day – and was so moved by it. One verse in particular had an impact on me…

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

This past Sunday afternoon among the hustle and bustle of our house, I took time out of the afternoon to slip into our dark, quiet, cool bedroom and lay next to Asher while he slept. There was so much to do…more laundry, more cleaning…more unimportant things. But at that moment, I chose to stay next to my angel and watch him sleep.

He is everything I’ve always dreamed of and never even knew I was missing. He is perfect in every way. His face so delicate, the way he holds onto my hand as he begins to close his eyes, the peaceful sound of his breath and he drifts to sleep knowing that I’m lying next to him. In that instant, that was the one and only thing I needed to do.

In that moment, I realized that I have missed so many of these moments. In four short months, he has grown and changed – and it feels like a blur. Maybe because I used to try so hard to get him to sleep, so I could lay him down and get more things done. Or sit him in his bouncy chair while he talked and smiled, while I felt the need to tend to dishes or check my email.

I began to cry. How could I have not realized the important moments I was missing to do such unimportant things? How could I choose to continue to bustle around, when I could be sitting there soaking up every second with him? I suddenly began to appreciate how fleeting these moments are, and how he’ll be all grown up before I know it.

I realize that not every day will allow me to sit and enjoy every single minute with Asher, but I want to hold that moment I shared with him this weekend, forever. Choosing to lay next to him, sharing a peaceful moment among a chaotic house full of other things that I thought were so important... it was the best thing I accomplished all weekend.

It made me appreciate what the true “needs” are of every day…to simply soak up every incredible smile, laugh and breath that he takes.